A Man's Tears and His Family
Excerpted from Swallowed by a Snake
Tom Golden LCSW
When men do cry at home, they are sometimes putting themselves
in jeopardy. This problem often comes up when I work with
families who have experienced a major loss. Sometimes the
family members complain that the man is not openly mourning.
The man has been seeing to it that the other family members could
grieve (Malidoma's protective mode of grief? [see anger section]), but is not openly
grieving himself. With a great deal of pressure from the family,
the father finally openly mourns. Yet the power of the father's
tears and mourning usually shocks the family. The children are
often upset to see their father cry. They describe the episodes in
disbelief and shock. They are openly frank about their fears of
seeing their father cry and describe how scary it is to see the
person they view as the foundation of their life in a state of grief.
The men in this situation are leaving the protector/provider role,
and the result is that the family experiences anxiety at the loss of
that function. They no longer have the protector. This masculine
function often goes unnoticed until it disappears. The wife, too, is
often a bit upset. Usually she is ambivalent; on one hand she is
relieved to see her husband cry, but on the other hand she is
uncomfortable with it, feeling somehow insecure and even afraid.
The men can feel their family's ambivalence towards their
behavior and will seek out a safe place to emote. In addition, the
men often quickly realize the discomfort of others with their
tears, and this solidifies their solitary grief. This does not seem so
unusual to me considering the circumstances, but the media and
many mental health professionals are continually condemning men
for their private grief. Perhaps a man's stewarding and protecting
his family can be seen as one way for him to honor his own grief.
A part of the family's shock at seeing the father cry may be related
to the newness of the experience. Perhaps if the men had
gradually been more emotional prior to the crisis of grief, the
spouse and children would not have been so upset. Even with this
being so, the men were not in the same state of need prior to the
crisis. In a healthy family unit there needs to be a sharing of the
protector/provider role as it relates to containing a space for
emotional expression. If you are a man and you are able to cry,
consider yourself blessed. If you can cry, and have someone near
you who can comfortably honor and contain that, consider yourself
twice blessed.
Excerpted from Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing pages 62-63.
Tom Golden LCSW
Tom Golden is a professional speaker, author, and psychotherapist whose area of specialization is healing from loss and trauma. You can find out more about Ton's private practice here. Tom gives workshops across the country and in Canada on many aspects of this topic. His workshops are known to be both entertaining and informative. Contact Tom at the addresses below (email or snail mail) for inquiries about speaking or training for your group. You can also order his book Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing on this site or through Amazon.com
Tom Golden LCSW
P.O. Box 83658
Gaithersburg, Maryland 20883
USA
301 670-1027