Angel in Heaven...Angel on Earth

Vickie Browning

My mother was always the stronger one of my parents. I was surprised at the age of 13 I saw her cry for the first time.

Thelma (Judy) Beck Like dedicated her life to God and taught Sunday School and lived a very Christian life. She was a mother of four and a wife for 41 years. I did not just love my mother I was in love with her as a child. I still can't believe that I just can't pick up the phone and hear her talk through some of life's problems with me.

She has a cerebral stroke and lived in a nursing home for the last 11 months of her life. The doctors held no hope, but everyday she held on to life, I kept hoping. Then diabetes was diagnosed and her blood sugar level was always over 400 everyday. Diabetes caused the blood flow to her legs to stop and in an effort to save her life, we as a family decided to have her left leg amputated. She lived only 6 days after the operation.

The medical bills had caused so much financial burden that we were afraid there would be no money for a funeral. The thought of that sent myself and my brother scrambling around calling finance companies for loans. We were able to borrow 4,000.00 dollars between the two of us and my mother was flown to her home town to be buried nest to her sister.

I was so devastated that I could not attend the funeral. Now I am feeling as though maybe she thought I was being disrespectful. I was the one that saw her at the hospital the day before she passed away, and I kissed her forehead and told her I would not fly back home until the weekend, and I would be back to see her the next day. She smiled and squeezed my hand. She could not talk because of the feeding tube. I know that smile meant I love you. That was the memory I wanted...not my dear mother in a box.

Now I am feeling ANGER!!! I am feeling disappointed in myself, I should not have left her bedside. I am feeling all these emotions at once. I am also afraid that I could be losing my mind. I read all the pamphlets and they read that this will pass.

Thanks for listening,

Vickie Browning

You can send email to Vickie at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 03-20-98
date of post 04-06-98

[return to home page] [column] [book excerpts] [honor page] [discussions page]

Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW