Vanessa Barbara Ayers

I got pregnant, I had never been happier. I thought that you just got prenant and had a baby. I didn't consider that there was a chance that things might not work out. That my baby might not live. Sometimes I think that because I didn't consider those things, was so relaxed being pregnant is the reason I lost him. I know that isn't true though. I like the think that he was too perfect to stay here, that he was just too sweet.

I went into labor early. Too early. I got to the hospital having strange cramps that I hadn't ever had before. I didn't really know what was going on, I thought maybe I had just eaten the wrong thing at first. The nurse checked me and told me that I was dilated too far, that I was going to have the baby right then and that the baby was going to be too little to live. They gave me a few drugs to stop labor for as long as they could and left me there with my husband for us to make some of the hardest decisions ever. I had the choice of having a c-section and probably never being able to have kids again since they would have to cut through the thickest part of my uterus (and he would have only had less then 1% chance of life) or to have him naturally, go through labor and let him go. They told me a little about the machines he would have to be hooked to and about the chances that he would have (1 in hundreds of thousands). We sat there talking and decided that we would let him go. That neither one of us wanted him to have to go through all those things when he didn't really have a chance to be okay anyway. So thirteen hours of labor later I got to hold him. He was beautiful, he was amazing and it hurt like hell to have to say goodbye just when I was getting to say hello. Damon (my husband) did not hold him, he couldn't. He smoothed his hair and talked to him when he was in my arms but couldn't bring himself to pick him up.

It is really hard to say goodbye. I look at all these babies and wonder what he would have grown up like. Would he have had his dad's eyes or mine? Would he have been stubborn like me, or gentle? I will never know that and it hurts me so much. You have all these plans for your baby when you are pregnant and never really think that you may never get to see whether or not things will turn out how you expect them to be. I wish I had done more when I was pregnant, although I am not sure what I could have done. I guess I just wish alot of things, most of all I wish I could have had more time with my son. I wish I could have had a lifetime with him. Though I am forever thankful that I got to have him at all, it is amazing what you learn in such short periods of time and who the people are that teach those lessons to you. Be thankful for what you have!!!

Vanessa Barbara Ayers

You can send email to Vanessa at: [email protected]
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anniversary date
date of post 10-26-96

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW