Vanessa Lavender

It's been two days--two long and very hard days. My mother Ana M. Herrera passed away on January 16th at 11:20 am at home. By her side were my father and brother. I had asked not to be present at the time of death, for I did not feel that I wanted to see my mother that way.

My mother was a wonderful person. Even though she and I may not have always seen eye to eye, it does not matter at all now. What matters is that she is gone. I will never see her again, she will never see my son grow old, go to kindergarten, graduate high school, drive a car or even get married. She knew this and it tormented her, and the reality is that it torments me.

She was a strong woman, she was a loving mother, she was a devoted wife and a hard worker, she was "mom". She was there with advice, she was there to scold, she was there when we fell and she was there to hold, she was "mom".

I now have a big open "hole" a wound that will take time to heal---"mom" is not there with a bandaide, a hug, or a shoulder to cry on or there to wipe away the tears. She has left me a legacy of knowledge, strength and courage to go on, to accept life as well as death, even though death was a lesson I was hoping not to learn from her yet. I do find solace in the fact that I know that she is a better place, free of pain, discomfort and that terrible thing we call cancer. God is taking care of her, and I know that she has a front seat to see all of what is happening back here among the living. With this knowledge I look up to heaven and say "Mom---I love you." and her response....

Vanessa Lavender

You can send email to Vanessa at: [email protected]
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anniversary date 01-16-99
date of post 01-18-99

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW