My big sister's suicide

Little sister, age 23

My big sister, age 32, died May 27, 1996 of suicide. i am alone. She was my best friend, my soul mate, my sister. We were alike in so many ways. She was real around me. She didn't try to hide anything. She knew she didn't have to. On my Birthday 2 years ago, we were talking & holding hands over the table we were eating at. I said, "we act like we're in love." She replied, "We are in love, we're sisters." I looked her in her aquamarine eyes & said, "I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't think I could go on. I would die without you. Please, please promise me you won't leave me." She promised. The thing about my sister was, she was good-hearted, caring, & loving, but very undependable. The only promise that really ever mattered to me in this crazy world. Broken. Gone, just like that. I knew she loved me so much, but I still get angry & I miss her so.

There were many things I could only talk to her about. Everyone loved her best. I don't understand how a person can be so loved yet not love themselves. Actually, maybe I can. I can relate, anyway. Sometimes it really gets hard when I look around & see all these people. I get lost in my head & I hope & pray there is a heaven where I can be with my sister, my mum&dad, friends, family, & animals one day. That is what keeps me going.

But last night a horrible thought occured to me. What if when you die, that's it? What if I never see my beloved sister again? So much cruelty. I hope we can all be together some day. I hope those of you in similar situations can be with your loved ones again. It helps me to feel the warmth of the sun or to gaze at a star. I feel her. She was an angel in life & now in death. I hope you all have angels.

Little Sister

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW