The Long Road Alone


Well, it has been just over two years since I lost my mother. She was the last of my family to go on. There were four of us and now there is one. My husband says I should be over this by now. It isn't that easy. This year, it hit me so hard that my loving family was gone. My brother, Brian, was the first one to die tragically and suddenly just before his 29th birthday. He was my best friend. So animated and full of life. He was the one I talked to when I had a problem of any sort. He helped me to see, not just two sides of the problem, but sometimes four or five. I miss his loving support and kindness. I miss his hugs. He was such a gift to me.

My father, was the next to leave. He had been so ill for so long, that I thought it was a blessing for him not to suffer any longer. I thought that I was prepared for him to leave. Yes and no. I was relieved for him, yet so very sad for myself. We were just in the process of mending a long time estrangement of emotions toward each other. I am grateful to have had the chance to show my father just how much I loved him and appreciated him before he left. I miss him so very much. I miss his dry humor and his belief in me.

The last to leave me was my mother. She also had been ill for a long time. I think she gave up when she realized that my father was not going to reach his 'golden years'. I believe that she just didn't think that she could go one without my dad. They had been married for 42 years. Not all of them were good years, but they were always years with love. My mother taught me about unconditional love. She was it. No matter where I was on my path, she was there for me. She knew I was going to marry my husband before our first date. I had never called her to ask her advice regarding a date in my life. She was right about my husband. He is my soulmate and the reason I go on. I didn't think that I could go on after mom died. I felt so abandoned by my blood kin. I am still struggling with the decision to take mom off of life support, although among my family we had discussed all of our last wishes, it was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, after burying my brother when my parents lived overseas in Australia. The guilt can be overwhelming. I am working on it in church.

Dear, dear family. I miss you and love you. I feel your presence around me so strongly at times and I see you in my dreams when I am troubled. I wake up feeling so loved by you. I know now that you are never really far from me.

Always, your daughter,


date of post 08-13-98

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW