Lynn took his own life of August 5, 1998. I will never know why and I will not judge him for his actions. I loved him and no matter what may have possessed him to give up, he loved me as well.
I met him when I was 22, he was 44. I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. I remember the brown suit he was wearing and the way he lifted his eyebrows when he said "Hello there" in a deep rumbling voice. Right from the start, we could talk. I left the city and came home. I met him again when I was 27, and this time, I wasn't so young and he still had that same voice and great smile and we could still talk.
He had such a "goofy" side to him, when he smiled, the smile touched his eyes. Laughing eyes. When I caught him staring at me, he would smile and wink and my heart would "swell" with the love that we shared. He had the sexiest voice I had ever heard and his laugh was contagious. When he used to call me, I loved the way his voice sounded when he said my name. When ever I used to think of him and how much I loved him, in the same thought there was the inevitable addition to that thought "....I have loved you forever."
I ache for him. Every morning, before I am completely awake, I could almost make myself believe that I will get up and everything will be back to normal. That this has been some cruel joke and he will call and tell me he is sorry and that he should have called sooner. I reach for the phone by my bed, to call him, and that is when I know that I will never hear his voice again. I cry every night before I fall asleep, and I ask "Why?" and I beg to have him back in my life.
I get up and I go through the motions of every day. But before I leave the house I say goodbye to him and tell him I have to go to work. And at the end of the day, when I get home, I apologize to him for leaving him alone all day and I touch his picture and tell him I love him. I don't say any of this out loud. It is a ritual that came so natural and now I know that I am holding on to him, any way that I can.
I will never know why, all I know is that I have never loved him more than I do today and nothing will change that. He was my friend, my confidant, my lover and he was supposed to be my future.
I went to say "Good-bye" to him, down by the river. I headed toward the "point" a very peaceful and strong place. When I decided to do this, I went early in the morning. It was cool and the dew hadn't fully evaporated and the scent of the cottonwoods was strong. My heart was breaking and I didn't know if I was ready, then I looked down. By my feet, close to the water, was an eagle feather. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It would give me the strength that I needed. So, I sat by the water and tried to say goodbye, I held the feather and looked out on the water and I listened to the rush of the water. I picked up a flat rock and with another rock, I wrote his name and on the other side I wrote "I love you" and I kissed this rock and threw it into the river. I kept the eagle feather and I've kept my memories of him.
You can send email to Rhonda at: [email protected]
anniversary date 08-05-98
date of post 08-31-98