Questions from Scott

Pauline Ferguson

I have to wonder, you know, did you know I was there?
Did you look? Did you see? Did you know and not care?
Were you complacent, serene?
Secure in your little cocoon?
Did you know? Do it deliberately?

Was there a lesson that you wanted to teach me?
Not to speed perhaps? That wouldnít be me
Sanctimonious self righteousness
Thinking youíre right and Iím wrong
Is that why you turned? Why you killed me?

Maybe Iím wrong, you didnít know, and you really do care
You didnít look, could not know, didnít see I was there
Does that make it all right?
Is it okay to murder "some guy"
If you donít see?

I believe that I am still grieving for the death of my friend, Scott Keel. He died in a motorcycle accident, in October 1994. It still upsets me for nebulous reasons, and I'm still angry that the coronial inquest seems to say "It's his fault, and it serves him right" I'm angry that the driver who killed him seems to have been coached in what to say so that it looks like she did everything humanly possible and then some. I'm angry that the investigating officer suggested that he take his bike off the road onto the shoulder, where he would probably have lost it anyway.

But I'm sad because a sweet, charming, quiet and mischievous young man (of the old age of 19) isn't here anymore. I'm sad because I miss him, and I'm frustrated because I'll never get to tell him.

So, I took up his cause, in the hopes that I could stop it from happening again, and I tried to explain how I feel to an editor of a national magazine, in a letter. He didn't understand, and just frustrated me more with his obtuse and seemingly deliberate non-understanding of what I was saying. He has since had a brush with death himself, and FINALLY he understands... it's not only that a close friend has died, it's the knowledge and the comprehension that it COULD happen to me, too.

I still get upset when I think about it, and I hope that the pain will fade a bit in time.

Pauline Ferguson

You can send email to Pauline at [email protected]
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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW