Ask Me Not If God Was There

My son completed suicide August 12, 1996. His 24th birthday was August 5, 1996. I would like to share them with you and I hope they will help someone.

Ask Me Not If God Was There

I saw your sky blue eyes open and I knew you were dead
I did not see the gaping hole at the back of your head
Ask me not if God was there

The police said after you were gone "Someone needs to clean"
Our friend appeared and said "How can I help?", sight unseen
Ask me not if God was there

From Cindy I wanted flowers for your casket and I bawled
It was her day off, but she came in as I called
Ask me not if God was there

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights your friends came
We shared happy memories, none the same
Ask me not if God was there

We knew no one from the church where after the funeral we held a dinner
We showed a video of you and it was a winner
Ask me not if God was there

As darkness fell last night
I saw you in the setting sunlight
Ask me not if God was there

_______

A Sign

The stars and moon are bright tonight
And I look to the heavens for a sign that you are alright

You touched so many lives while on this earth
During your short life starting from your birth

I picture you now touching each star
Lighting them up near and far

I am told
You are in God's fold

I pray daily to God that you have found bliss
And to please help me get through this

_________

After Your Suicide

In the beginning, my heart felt it had a million holes in it
And I could feel the blood weeping out of each hole
Other times, it felt heavy and as if it was in a bottomless pit

I have a prosthesis that fills the empty space at my right breast caused by cancer
There is no prosthesis to fill the empty space in my heart left by your suicide. I wish I had an answer.

___________

She started sending me the newsletter
And after reading if I felt better

Like this, I'll never be able to write, my friend I told
But suddenly this week I became part of the fold

I sat at my desk and I began to write
The words just flowed much of the night

I transferred my feelings onto the paper
And suddenly I felt relieved and safer

I felt my sons' spirit helped me get started
I wrote about how I felt since this world he parted

To all of those who write to share
I'm grateful you care

__________

What Have I Lost?

When I really concentrate, I hope to still hear your laughter
When I grew old, I thought you would be there to look after

Before, I bragged on you at work many nights
Now I do not have any bragging rights

I do not anymore ask why
But there are many days and nights I cry

Where is the child I brought into this world who did beam?
The young man that ended his life, to be him does not seem

To watch you develop and grow
Into that man I will never know

I will have no grandchildren to remind me of you
For this I am depressed and blue

Right now there is no consolation
I am sad and I feel so much desolation

___________

Counselor

To tell you the truth
At first I was struck by her youth

How could this young person, whom I knew nothing about
From the depths of depression, help me out

I am at an age that is supposed to be all knowing
But after awhile, I began to start growing

The trust developed first
For this I had such a thirst

And then from her I gathered hope
She encouraged me to seek comfort from others but I felt I could not cope

I was afraid and fought
Too soon I was being weaned, I thought

The answers to me she did not give
She challenged me to find them myself and to live

When I no longer have need of her professional skills because I am Healed
What will have developed, I hope, is a friendship that with respect is Sealed

__________

I loved my son so very much and I miss him terribly. It has been six months and I am struggling to keep my motivation for life and living up. Mail is welcome!

Nancy Lee

You can send email to Nancy at: [email protected]
mail welcome


anniversary date 08-12-96
date of post 04-05-97