I couldn't believe it happened. I sometimes think I don't have the words to explain it! How could God allow it to happen? When I found out that Paul had been in a motorcycle accident I felt completely cold and in shock. I thought "NO!" not MY Paul! It couldn't be him!? He was my backbone, my inspiration, my rock. How could the one person I loved so much and cherished be gone? When the news was confirmed to me I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn't stop thinking "Why God, why not me instead?" I had no idea how I could go on. There were so many things I needed to tell him. Things in the future I would ask his opinion, approval, acceptance. I take so much comfort in the fact that we always knew how we felt about each other. Also I know I will see him one day. This life just seems to take forever! I'm not afraid to die, I look forward to the day I will see him again! Not a lot of my friends seem to understand. They seem to think you have to be married, currently dating, or having someone's child to feel this loss. Well I'm really glad people have this web site to share their grief. I get so angry when people talk to me like it's a current event. They don't know the pain I feel, or his family and friends feel. When I think of someone loving me more than anyone in the whole world I think of Paul. I feel so cherished and empty at the same time. There are so many of his friends who don't know how to act toward his family. I see the way they cope with grief and it's very sad. I also think it's good people have offered advice about it so we can all know. In some weird way I separate my life now and then even though I cannot fathom the loss of a child. I wish I could go on but I know when I'm ready I will. That seems like it will take eternity. There are so, so many things I want to say but I will say this, I thank God for every waking moment, thought, smile, memory, loving touch from Paul. I have no regrets and I know If I were with the Lord he would say the same thing about me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I will always have him with me in my heart! I love you Paul!
You can send email to Melissa at: [email protected]
anniversary date 08-05-98
date of post 12-15-98