Marisa Dearman

I still can't believe she's gone. I hear the phone ring and I, just for a second, think its her. I miss her and I mourn her, but I know she's in a better place and watching over me, my husband, and her little scallywag. That's what she used to call my son, Noah. He's 9 months old and gets me through the day.

My mother's death was tragic and sudden. She's been a severe alcoholic for 12 years. She and my dad were still legally married, but lived apart for several years. She has lived in her own place (since she moved out of our family home) for 2 1/2 years. In that time, she never unpacked a box from the move. That was all I knew because I wasn't allowed in her home since she moved. Upon her death, I discovered that she never took her garbage out, never walked the dog, and there were 150 wine bottles throughout the filthy apartment. How did I not know that! I'm so angry at her and myself. WHY DIDN'T SHE ASK FOR HELP?

My mother died in her sleep from heart disease. We found out she was in the final stages and her arteries were 90%, 65%, and 45% blocked. She looked peaceful they said. Our dog was so severely neglected that I had to put him to sleep. This is the most horrible nightmare I ever thought I'd have to live. The last 12 years have been stressful, extremely shameful, and painful. Who would think this would happen, too? I knew from the path of her life, she wouldn't be living as long as one of her grandma's (98). I think one of the most painful memories of this is how she lived and her choices. I loved her so much and my husband and I begged her constantly to come with us to the doctor. She would yell, lash out, and implore us to leave her alone.

How can I deal with this? I have so many emotions. No one I've ever known has had to go through this type of pain. I'm looking for a local bereavement group. As I mentioned, my mother never unpacked one thing in her apartment. There was only one item hanging on the wall; a cross. She believed and I know she's in heaven. I just hope she is with us everyday and sees all the wonderful things her grandson is doing. I pray for those who have a loss such as this. This is overwhelming.

Marisa Dearman

You can send email to Marisa at: [email protected]
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anniversary date 02-02-98
date of post 02-19-98

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW