My Beautiful Alex

Mark Brown

My son Alex was 5 years 4 months and 21 days old when he died. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone.

He was a truly beautiful and loving child. I suppose that everyone says that about their dead loved ones but Alex was so special. He was our middle child and loved his older brother and litle sister so very much. He was the kind of person that could play ball with the boys or play with dolls with his sister and really enjoy both, he just loved people, and he really loved to have fun. .

Alex always had a face splitting smile, he was a considerate and thoughtful young man. Alex loved to ride his bike and loved to run. He had just started kindergarten and was so proud to ride the bus with his older brother. He wanted to be like his older brother. They both took Karate but Alex was 2 years behind his brother. He wanted to be a black belt like his brother and was well on his way. He would have made it if he had lived. .

Alex died on Sept. 29 1996 in a fire in our home. We had stayed up watching TV and Alex fell asleep on the couch. I woke him up and sent him and his brother to bed upstairs. I watched TV a little longer and saw a movie I wanted to watch with them. I called upstairs for them to come down and watch it with me, Alex was already asleep so his brother came down to watch. We watched for a while and I got sleepy so I went to bed. The next thing I remember is waking up to my oldest son screaming "the house is on fire". I picked up my little girl and was taking her outside, my wife was in front of me and she went upstairs to get Alex out.I never thought there would be a problem. I went outside and got the hose to try to put the fire out. I was never able to get in past the stairs. The house got so hot I was gradually backed out of the house and called to my wife. .

She had gone upstairs and was unable to find Alex. The fire was so hot that she was burned about her neck by a locket she wore,not because it burned but just because the heat in the house made it that hot. She heard me calling and was not able to exit by the stairs, so she climbed out a bedroom window onto the roof. She came to the edge of the roof and said she couldn't find Alex. She turned to go back into the house and I told her to jump down. I fully intended to go in myself somehow but there was just no way. There was nothing to climb on to get in the window, the stairs were a raging hell, I stood on top of a car and sprayed the hose on Alex's room hoping to keep the fire out. The windows broke out when the cold water hit them and I sprayed the water in the windows until the fire trucks came. .

Alex died in his sleep and never tried to run or hide. .

I never saw Alex again,so my last picture of him was as he went upstairs kind of crying because I had woke him up. I never got to touch or kiss him goodbye or hold him as I cried.I just never laid eyes on him again. .

We miss our Alex so much words fail me.The only hope I hold is that some day by the grace of God I will be with him again and will be able to tell him myself how sorry I am for letting him die.I hold myself responsible for his death for several reasons but mainly because I didn't go for him myself. Had I done that I don't know how it would have turned out, maybe someone else would have died Maybe I would have died also, I will never know, But I do wonder. .

We remember Alex and talk about him from time to time. But sometimes I still find myself asking How can he be dead he wasn't sick or anything else he had a great life ahead of him. We were and are so proud of him and He's just gone,forever.

Mark Brown

You can send email to Mark at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 09-29-96
date of post 04-05-97

[return to home page] [column] [book excerpts] [honor page] [discussions page]

Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW