Dear Mark...

Lisa Carroll

Dear Mark, It's been just over a year now that you have left me. Each day seems harder, not easier. Each day I struggle with "what could I have done more to save you?!" The many times late at night that I have grabbed my car keys, and started to head out the door to go have one of our long visits over coffee when neither of us could sleep. Then....on my way out the door, it hits me ..."Mark's gone!!" I fall to my knees and sob…oh how I miss you!

Everyone keeps telling me how you're at peace now, and your suffering is over...but what about me? My suffering goes on and on. God took my best friend! We lost dad when I was only 6, and you were the one who I looked up to, you took care of me, I need you damnit! You came to visit me that one night. You looked so good, I cried for an hour after your left my room. I didn't want you to go away. You kept telling me everything was going to be ok, that you were ok...but it's not Mark, it's not ok! Please talk to me again, I am hurting so bad without you. I just want to see, I want to hold you. I want this pain to go away. I love you, big brother. More than anyone will ever know!!!!


When early February came,
You went away.
No to travel to distant shores,
But to a better place I pray.
God saw you getting tired,
And no recovery there seemed to be.
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered "come to me".
With tearful eyes I watched you,
And screamed as you passed away.
I loved you oh so dearly,
But I couldn't make you stay.
Your golden heart stopped beating,
All the pain was erased from your face.
As God removed your soul from me,
And took you to his special place.
Left only with your "shell",
I held you then slid to the floor.
Pain filled my heart just knowing,
That I would hold you in my arms no more.
I know the Lord has better things for you,
In his home your hurt does not exist.
But the pain that you felt on earth,
Now forever in me lives.
My dear brother,
I miss you each and every day.
I miss your smile, your laughter,
Your loving and gentle way.
I cared for you so much,
In your later years of life.
But being with you and having you near.
Was worth the pain and strife.
I tried to understand,
And to this day I still do.
How this disease over took
A man as wonderful as you.
If only you had loved yourself,
As deeply and true as I.
If only you had seen a man,
Who didn't deserve to die.
But you were a part of God's special plan,
An angel sent to test our heart.
And I know that though you're gone from earth,
We will never be apart.
I often feel you near me,
I feel you helping me along the way.
I sometimes hear you whispering,
"Sis, don't forget to pray."
And when my life's trials,
Become too great to bear,
I know that you are guiding me,
That you are always there.
Sleep well tonight in heaven,
My big brother dear.
As I close my eyes so tightly,
And dream that you are here.


I love you , Mark.


Lisa Carroll

You can send email to Lisa at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 1998
date of post 4-11-99

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW