In Memory of Kyle D. Bedford

Kim Bedford

It was an ordinary Saturday morning, or so I thought. My husband had just come home from work and the kids were watching T.V. We were planning to go and visit my husbands Grandmother for her birthday so I had asked Kyle to put the dishes away before we went. This was one of the things he did for his allowance. He started to get mouthy with me and he and I had a brief argument. I sent him to his room. On his way he called me a name and I went in his room and told him never to call me that again. That would be the last time I saw him alive, sitting on his bed crying.

Kyle was very intelligent for his age. He was reading at 3 yrs of age and was very easy to teach new things to. He was into sports, especially hockey. He just had a real zest for life. He was now at an age when he was testing us. He was a great child but occasionally a little lippy. He did like to make you feel bad when he got into trouble and I believe that this is what he did this day.

After about 45 minutes since he had been in his room the phone rang and it was for him. My daughter went to get him and came out saying he was in his closet with something on his neck. I went in and he was sitting on his knees with my husband's bathrobe belt around his neck. He looked like he was just playing and I called him. He didn't answer and I knew something was wrong. My husband was out getting a card for his Grandmother. I grabbed Kyle and listened to his chest. All was silent. I started CPR but I knew I had to call for help. I ran to the phone and then I had to go back and get Kyle. I was so scared and I was trying not to panic. My daughter was screaming "I don't want him to die". I can't recall where my other son was. I was screaming for him to breathe and I continued CPR. Finally after about 4 min. which seemed like eternity, the ambulance arrived. As they were taking him out my husband came home. I thought everything would be fine now. I was wrong.

It wasn't long when the doctor came in and said he was dead. That day a part of me died. I went into shock and was medicated and to this day I have a hard time remembering certain things but I will never forget that morning. The guilt and anger are so unbearable. His death was ruled as death by misadventure. I believe in my heart that it was an accident but I still search for an answer as to why and how this could have happened. It's been just over a year since he died and it all seems like yesterday. I still watch to see if he is coming. I know he won't be but I see him everywhere.

I worry about my other two children. Sarah was 6 and Torey was 3 when Kyle died. We all talk about Kyle all the time. I don't want them to forget their brother. My life will never be the same again. I know there will be happy times again but I will always have apart of me missing. If I didn't have my other two children I would not be here today.

May we all find peace someday

Kim Bedford

You can send email to Kim at: [email protected]
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anniversary date 08-31-96
date of post 09-16-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW