A Son and Brother

Isabel Sicurella

In 1985 I was diagnosed with blocked fallopian tubes. My chances for natural conception were nil. My husband and I decided to go through InVitro Fertilization in hopes that we would have a baby together. After seven years of treatments and 11 failed attempts at pregnancy we got lucky. On our 12th and final attempt I became pregnant. Our dream was now going to become a reality.

At five weeks gestation I had an ultrasound done. It was required by the clinic to make sure everything was okay and it was. The ultrasound revealed our tiny little baby had a strong heartbeat. The ultrasound technician was surprised because she did not think it would even show up. We were on cloud nine.

At nine weeks gestation we got the scare of our lives. I started bleeding. I cried all the way to the hospital asking God "Please let our baby be okay, Please don't take him from us". At the hospital I was checked and asked if I was carrying more than one baby. I explained all about the I.V.F. procedure and the ultrasound. I told them there was only one baby. I was relieved when they said the baby was still there and that I did not miscarry. What had happened was there was a tear in the placenta. It was from this point on that I had a princess pregnancy. I was off work and was to go for extra checkups and ultrasounds. It was hectic but I did not care, I'd do whatever to keep our baby.

As the months past our baby kicked and moved more and more. To see a plate rest on my belly then suddenly move made us laugh. We thought we were going to have a terrific soccer player on our hands. At this time we did not know if I was carrying a boy or a girl, but I so hoped for a son.

On Friday October 22, 1993 I went to the doctors. It was a routine checkup and of course another ultrasound. The doctor told us that the ultrasound technician told her to keep a close eye on me because my amniotic fluid was starting to decrease. She said that I could go home for the weekend, but if I did not go into labour by the Monday morning, she would induce my labour. We went home thinking we were going to have a baby definitely on Monday Oct. 25, 1993.

On Sun. Oct. 24th our baby stopped moving. My husband and I went to the hospital at 1:00p.m. The doctors there performed a scan but said the equipment was old. They did another test at which time they broke my water and attached wires to the baby's head. They got a heartbeat but we soon realized it was my heart beating through the baby. At 4:00p.m. they did an ultrasound and we had had enough of them to know the result. Our baby was no longer living. At 6:00p.m. they induced my labour.

On Monday October 25, 1993 I gave birth to a stillborn 7lb. 6oz. baby boy. The son I had wanted was now here. My husband cut the cord with tears in his eyes. It was to be such a joy for him. Even though the joy was gone he still planned on doing what he had said he would. When they placed our son in my arms I cried at the beautiful sight and yet I could not wait to unwrap him. He was perfect in every way. He looked so much like his father. We named him Cody Colin Robillard.

Four years have past now and the unanswered questions still sometimes haunt me. We have no answers as to what happened. There was no autopsy, tests were to be done on the placenta, but it was conveniently lost. People including family think we should be over our loss by now. What they do not realize though is our lives have changed. Our last chance for having children together are now gone. A big part of our lives was taken from us and we can't get it back. The pain does not go away, it just gets easier to live with. Cody was our son, he was a brother to the two daughters I have from a previous marriage. He was taken from us before he had a chance to live. Everyday we think of him and how he touched our lives.

Isabel Sicurella

You can send email to Isabel at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 10-25-93
date of post 10-24-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW