If I Had Been A Little Kinder


Awoke to the phone ringing at 4:30 A.M. March 20, 1998, it was you David, so distressed. Sick at heart, depressed, you called out to me and I tried to help, sending a Pete to your side, when I should have come myself. You wanted me to help you and I let you down again, not the first time, but certainly the last.

You always said, "Someday, you will miss me." Now I know what you meant. My heart is sick to think that I could have been kinder to you, tough love didn't work. I had hoped that it would.

I feel very responsible for your suicide, a gun in the mouth, 44 magnum, you destroyed your life so quickly. Had you only waited, I was coming to you, and I did, found you so lifeless. I wish that there were someway to turn back time and answer that phone again to be there for you. Your last words to me were, "Talk to you in the Afterlife." David, I hope there is an afterlife and I want to talk to you again. You were only 47 years old, all that you loved is around me, baseball, golf, car racing, I think of you many times a day, and yes, I miss you, very much. If only you hadn't been so proud, so determined, and if only I had been a little kinder. I miss you with all my heart, and Sandy misses you too. We love you.

David killed himself after a night out on the town, he was picked up by the State Police for driving on the wrong side and interstate highway and he was drunk. Charged with DUI he could no longer stand the humiliation, just a few short hours after his arrest he killed himself. He had been alone, his parents dead for many years, his sister killed at a young age, 19 and he lived in his childhood home with the memories all his life, where he died with them. I hope that he is now at peace.


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anniversary date 03-20-98
date of post 06-26-98

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW