Legacies Unfulfillled

Dixie Tidwell

My Mother was a great person in the last few years of her life. She had breast cancer. She said nothing for a month, waiting for her insurance to go through. Then, she told us. She found a lump. A lump. She was crying. My mother was not the type of person that cried. EVER. She was in the living room sitting on the floor. I was shocked.

Then she had the biopsy. Cancer they said. It was presented all so sterile. She fought with everything that she had. She allowed them to ship her off to M.D. Anderson in Houston, to do experimental medicine on her. They gave her less than 6 months. She lived for nearly four years.

Then, her body became frail and tired. She slept all the time like a newborn does. She was cold. She was not hungry. Then, she started going to the hospital all the time. She started being there more than she was at home. She looked so tiny in that big bed. She asked me to lay with her one time because she was so cold. I climbed into the bed and I held onto her, memorizing every part of her. Her sleeping form was a blessing. She stopped shivering. The nurses walked in and smiled at us. "You keep your momma warm" the head nurse said. I was afraid that they would tell me to get out of her bed. Then she went home.

We started talking about the wedding that I was planning. She started talking about death. She read her bible all the time and told us of her favorite passages. She told me how she wanted her funeral to be. We wrote letters for everyone for after her death. I delivered those letters myself when she went to Heaven. Then, she fell one night answering the phone when I called. She broke her collarbone. She was fine for a few weeks. Then, she was so weak, there was no chemo for her. Her body could not take it. She went to the hospital. Then, we decided on a Thursday to move the wedding to Sunday, which was the soonest we could get married. She fell into a coma Saterday and could not come. Six days after our wedding she died in her sleep.

She was wonderful, and I miss her so much. I miss everything she was. Here it is nearly 7 months after, and I still am left with a longing that cannot be filled. They say it will get better and I am waiting for that time.

Dixie Tidwell

You can send email to Dixie at: [email protected]
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anniversary date
date of post 05-19-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW