Missing My Daughter


Allison was 17 years old when she died. She was a troubled teenager trying find her way in life. She wanted to please me so much but there are so many temptations for young people to contend with. I loved her and she loved me, but love sometimes isn't enough. I'm trying to remember the happy times when she would hug me so tight my neck would hurt.

My daughter died in a traffic accident on October 10, 1997. We received a phone call from the hospital chaplain around 1:00 a.m. The chaplain said she would not live long enough for me to get to the hospital which was 1 hour away. My daughter had been living with my ex-wife for the past year. I left the house immediately and got to the hospital in time. I will never forget walking into the hospital room and seeing her lying there on life support.

I held her hand and it was starting to get cold. The doctor said there was no brain activity and she never new what happened. I tried to tell her how sorry I was for the suffering and pain she had gone through as a result of the divorce. I pray to GOD that somehow she heard me. I reached over to kiss her and could smell the fresh clean smell of her hair. I'm sure she had washed it that day. Around 4:20 a.m. we turned the machines off. She passed away within 15 minutes.

The funeral was strange but some how I wished Allison could have seen how many lives she had touched. The chapel was completely full. Allison was such a loving and caring child. I miss her so much. The last time I saw her was July 23, 1997 and I hadn't talked to her for about a month before the accident. She called me one day when I was at home on sick leave and we talked for about 10 minutes. Who knew that would be the last conversation I would ever have with her.

I thank GOD every day that Allison was a Christian and is with him. I look forward to the day when I can hold her again. Time is so short but in many ways can it can almost seem to stop. Thank you Lord for letting me take care of Allison for the time she was here.

This past three months has been a long nightmare. I look at other people and wonder how they can act so normal when such a tragedy has happened. I try to find her in crowds. Sometimes I find someone that looks similar and think that's her, only to know that it's not. I keep thinking that the hurt will get better but it doesn't. Maybe it is getting better but in such small amounts that it's hard to see.

Allison will always live in my heart and I will always remember her smile, the smell of her hair and her laugh. I pray to God that he will help me and ease the pain. I'm sure that he is listening. It seems that I think about her every moment of every day. Maybe one day it will be better.


anniversary date 10-10-97
date of post 01-07-98

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW