Caring for My Mother

Cindy Bosscher

My name is Cindy Bosscher. I am a nurse and have taken care of people all of my life (22 yrs). I have dealt with death many times and thought I knew what most people don't experience many times in their lives. One month ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and 32 days later she died. I cared for her the last week of her life with hospice's help. I felt helpless as I couldn't save her but I could give her morphine whenever she was uncomfortable and she would say thank you sweetheart. It was as though I was going through the motions but it wasn't really happening to me. I guess I thought we had six months to say good bye but it came all too soon. Everyone says, "this is good, you know it's better than suffering a long time." It doesn't feel good. It feels sad and my heart aches.

She wasn't very talkative the last few days, although she would smile at me and answer questions. She did ask me why I was crying and I told her I would miss her. She said she was ready to go where there was no pain or suffering but I didn't want her to go.

The 4th day she quit eating and the 5th day she quit drinking. She would still smile although she wouldn't open her eyes. The sixth day she was having difficulty breathing and I gave her morphine and more morphine and morphine breathing treatments. She had to sleep sitting up as she couldn't breathe lying down. She told me she was miserable and wanted to be with God.

That night, me, her daughter did something I never thought I would do I prayed that she wouldn't wake up the next morning as that was her wish. One day I was praying she would get better and the next I was praying she would die. What kind of daughter is that anyway?

At 3 am she moaned and I gave her more morphine and wiped her face and neck with a warm wash cloth as she was clammy. She didn't smile or answer me anymore. I talked to her and told her I loved her as I had all of my life. I fell asleep next to her and woke at 6 am and didn't see her breathing. My Dad agreed with me she was not breathing. She went so quickly. I will always love her and miss her. Especially her smile and her soft touch on my face. I love you MOM.

Cindy Bosscher

You can send email to Cindy at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date Feb. 1999
date of post 2-10-99

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW