Why Did You Leave Me Mummy?

Carol Real

You had been in hospital for the past 6 months, you gave us a few scares in that time, but you were such a fighter - you always had been, and we thought you would fight and win this battle too! March 1996 you were in Intensive Care for 2 weeks in a coma and you were not expected to live, you even had the last rights done for you! They took all the breathing equipment off you and we thought that you would slip away, you had other ideas and amazed us and the hospital staff. I knew you could do it, after all, you were my mother, my soul mate, my best friend, I could never lose you! You continued to get well and we had a huge Mothers Day party for you and there you were sitting in your wheelchair, eating lobster, crab, prawns, oysters (all the things you loved). You even had a few glasses of champagne. You were smiling and your eyes were so full of love. You had all of your precious family around you. Little did I know then that it was your last gift to us, to have us all together one last time!

You took a turn for the worst in early June and you slowly withered away. I would go and see you and sit and hold your hand and whisper in your ear "I love you mum", you would whisper back " I love you to", those words I shall never forget Mum! I would sit and brush your hair and rub cream into your face, you were like the child now, Mum, and now it was my turn to look after you. They gave us only till the weekend, I knew I was losing you, but I still thought you might get through - not you, not my darling, you can't leave me!

Tuesday the 18th June 1996, was a day I had a heavy heart, I couldn't shake the feeling, I said to my husband "I want to be with Mum", he told me to go, I rang my father and the hospital and they said you were doing beautifully! My sister and I decided to travel to the hospital together the next day, so we left our plans at that. I still couldn't shake this feeling. At 9pm that night, my daughter Bianca (8) couldn't sleep, she was so restless, I should have realised then Mum, Bianca was so connected to you , I should have seen the signs! At 9.30pm the phone rang, I heard the words from my sister "Mum's gone". The life drew out of me, I screamed, I fell to the floor, "my beautiful mother, my darling is gone, I can no longer touch her, hug her, see her smile, hear her beautiful laugh, she is gone forever and I wasn't there to hold her hand". God, I hate you, why did you take her? Mummy come back - I need you, I am your baby, how can I go on without you.!

The next few hours were a blur, I cannot remember them, my sister and I drove to the hospital where our 3 brothers and father were waiting. God, my father, how will he cope without her, 42 years of marriage, the perfect marriage. How could God, separate them now, how could he rip our happy family apart?

Mum was still in the hospital bed and my brother held my hand and took me to her door, I couldn't go in, my legs went to jelly, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't breath. The door opened , I peeked in, and there you were darling, just like you were sleeping. I ran to you, "Mummy, Mummy, please come back, don't leave me Mummy, please I need you Mummy".

The day I buried you Mother, was the second hardest day of my life. I found the strength to stand and read the words from the song of Celine Dion, "You were my eyes when I couldn't see, you saw the best there was in me". That song Mum is our song, the words fit how I feel about you and what you meant to me, no one could ever know the pain I feel inside, a part of me died with you that day. The whole family is grieving for you, but Mum I am grieving by myself, I can't let go, I won't let go, I love you Mum and I miss you like nothing on this earth!! Thank you for being a wonderful loving Mother all of my life, for always being there, thank you for my wonderful childhood and for never letting me down. I am sorry I let you down, I am sorry I wasn't there when you left us, I hope you were not scared Mum, I miss you Mummy!!!!!

Your baby daughter,

Carol Real

You can send email to Carol at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 06-18-96
date of post 11-14-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW