Unresolved Grief

by Brenda Deveraux Forman

I want to write something, but I am not exactly sure what I am about to compose. I want to tell a little bit about my unresolved grief, both to release some of my pain and hopefully, to help someone else with their's.

What's so hard about unresolved grief is that you are not expecting it or really know at times that that is what you are experiencing. I felt like I had resolved a past loss, until recently.

Through an intense workshop on death, dying, and bereavement, I was triggered back into overwhelming pain associated with this loss. At first, I felt like I was going crazy and resigned myself to the idea that I would be in therapy forever; but, luckily, since the workshop I was partaking in addressed grief and personal growth, I was able to receive support in gaining some understanding on what was transpiring internally.

It is just amazing that there are so many layers of grief that one has to go through at different times. Only certain circumstances or events seem to trigger these specifics layers, making grief work a process which requires patience and time.

Another factor which makes unresolved grief, or any other type of grief for that matter, complex or abstract is the fact that losses originate from every possible source, not just from death. My personal loss is one which has to do with my family of origin. I have worked a great deal on recovering the parts of myself which others did not accept, as well as to let go of this legacy which I continued to carry through adulthood. I have been working and struggling so hard on this journey that this battle has not allowed for the intense pain which originates from having had to engage in this fight in the first place. I do not mean to imply that this fight has been in vain; rather, that it is one which has opened up the space for this grief to breathe. (And boy has it!! At times, more than I would prefer!)

I think my biggest message in this writing, to myself as well as to whomever chooses to read this, is that it is alright for grief to surface from the past. It does not mean you are crazy or that something is wrong with you when a loss from a short or long time ago peeks it's head out again. Most importantly, no matter how much you or others might not understand the nature of your loss and/or what you are going through, your internal process is real and needs to be given the respect and honor that it deserves.

-- Brenda Deveraux Forman

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You can reach Brenda at the following email address: [email protected]

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