My beautiful son Mattias, by Bo Jonsson

My beautiful son Mattias, by Bo Jonsson

The 1st of July my 12 year old son Mattias took his last breath. After five years of hard struggle against leukemia he was forced to give up. He never gave up life.

He had a long series of very hard treatments finishing in the shift of 1994/1995 with a bone marrow transplant with his sister as the donor.

In the end he was more mature then my wife and myself. He planned his own funeral and selected the hymns. He was not afraid of his death, just how it will become.

The last month of his life he traveled to London ( we live in Sweden, Scandinavia). Riding a wheelchair or on my back, he explored the country of his choice.

He also explored the Internet, using my e-mail adress, longing for his own.

I've lost my friend, my son, and my love. My heart is cut out of my body. I can no longer find the world I once knew.

Mattias said to me that the world is a place of many struggles and thoughts and that Your place is justified out of curiosity, love for the unknown, and for imperfection and uncertainty.

He was so certain. Treated with cytostatica and radiation year after year, he still thought life was a never ending story to explore. The last ten minutes of his life he wanted to go to the sea for a bath. We, his father and his mother, could only offer him a bucket of water.

Mattias, I love You more than the rest of my own life. May I be half as brave as You to meet my life and my death.

To live so close to one You love. In the isolation of a closed room for bone marrow transplantation, and then lose that strong bound in death. I hate to be the one that remains here in the life as we know it. The only life we know.

Mattias, in spite of knowing about his coming death, planned our garden and made us deploy it after his intentions. Now we are enjoying vegetables of our own. Sitting in the garden on the last two days of his life, he was directing me to taking care of the plants. Talking about the coming harvest and the necessity in understanding the different needs of the different plants.

Without You Mattias, my life is no longer certain. Day by day passes by. I fear to live another 40 years without Your guidance. Please tell me there's a heaven where everybody meets. Please tell me there is a meaning to all we have to endure. Half Your life was in pain and still You were full of the power to love life. How can we learn from Your example now that You are gone?

Our grief is deep. Standing in the sea of pain I hope the next child caught in leukemia will reenter life and give the world what was lost in Mattias death. The growing respect of the living earth and the joy of life.

The father of Mattias, the son who only joined the world for 12 years and 8 months.

Bo Jonsson

If you wish to write you can reach me at: [email protected]

Bo would welcome mail of support and understanding, particularly from those who have experienced a similar loss.

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW