My Precious Mother

Ann Howard

I miss my mother so much. I so dearly loved mom and will always love her. I had been a mama's girl all of my life we were so close, I could talk to mom about anything. We always hugged each other and I love you was spoken often. Even as an adult I rarely missed a day of being at my parents house.

Then one day the most precious woman in the world was stricken with cancer. Mom was able to beat it with surgery and radiation treatments. For the time being I still had my mother.

Mom's health failed after that. She had something that was closely related to Parkinsons only this was worse. On top of that she got Alzheimer's Disease. My family along with my dad, and I lived in fear that mom would forget us. We watched her become a shadow of a woman she used to be. Mom was unable to do anything for the last 18 months of her life. She became a total invalid. She and dad were married for 52 years. Their love was sweet, strong and sure.

The next thing mom got pneumonia and had congestive heart failure. On New Years Eve. I told my husband I just knew this would be mom's last night on earth. We stayed with her from early morning until midnight. We sang Christian songs for 2 hours to mom. She lifted her arm to praise God. At midnight the nurse said I looked like I would drop. Why I let her send me home I'll never know.

At 6:35 am I got a call saying come quick your mom has taken a turn for the worse. Dad, my husband and I stayed all day with her. I crawled into bed with her and told her I was selfish, I didn't want her to leave me, but that neither did I want her to suffer anymore. I thanked her for being a wonderful mother and friend to me. I told her to go with Jesus and promised her I would find my way back to God so I could come be with her one day.

A nurse came and put a cold wet blanket on mom, she said it was the doctor's orders. I cried and crawled in bed with her trying to give her some body heat. They put her in a whirlpool to bring the fever down. My God, she was dying, why did I let them torture her in her last few hours like they did?

We left the room that evening because the machines made it so hot in the room. Five minutes later when we returned my dad left the room for a few minutes for a breath of air. I wet mom's lips with a sponge, then kissed her not knowing it would be my last kiss. I brushed her hair, told her I loved her. she opened her eyes and I told her I loved her beautiful blue eyes. I sat down while still holding her hand. I heard a gurgling sound and thought she was choking. My husband was by the bed in an instant. He later said he knew it was the death rattle.

He ran and got dad, dad later told me as he came into the room I was hold mom yelling, "No mom, don't leave me, please mom don't leave me." Dad cried and said it must be a mistake she can't be gone.

At 8:55 P.M. on New Years day 1997 my mother, my best friend, and my heart were all gone. Shattered glass now fills the place where my heart used to be.

Oh dear God, how it hurts so much to not have my dearest friend, my precious mother. The mother who loved me, never drank, smoked, cussed, nor ever raised her voice or hand against me in anger. She was a precious, wonderful loving mother and I miss her so very much. Life will never be the same without this gentle woman.

Pauline B. Strouss Aug. 6, 1917 - Jan. 1, 1997

Ann Howard

You can send email to Ann at: [email protected]
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anniversary date 01-01-97
date of post 10-26-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW