William-A piece of me


I met William only five short years ago. We were both struggling with the recent past and the present. William hid things better than I did and so I never realized just how badly he was affected. He aided me in countless times of need and through it all he was always my friend. At the risk of sounding cliche I will say this; I had never known something so pure and healthy before William, never knew a love that was real. And so for five short years I was lucky enough to know this bright, loving, protective, funny, outlandish, gentle, and beautiful man. And I was lucky enough to have loved him. It is because of William that I am alive to write this page for him. Had it not been for his constant watch over me in my time of need I would have been found in our own bathtub with my wrist badly slashed and my body full of drugs, not just on one account either. He taught me how to live, how to overcome the day to day grind that hurt me so. He gave me faith and hope that I could live through this.

It is because of his strong stand against suicide that when I was told he had put a 9mm bullet thru his brain stem that I was sure it was a cruel joke. But it wasn't. On March 14, of this year, 1996, he walked out over the water, called 911, reported his intentions and his location, hung up, and then killed the biggest piece of me that I had ever given away. Today is his 26th birthday, December 9, and for his birthday I thought of bringing him a book or something simple that would have, in life, made him smile. Instead I offer him this: today I will begin to forgive him, for killing himself,for not trusting me enough to tell me of his pain, and for breaking my heart. Not just for him but for myself as well. I have been told that first loves are hard to get over but no one knows what to say when I tell them that I can't even make amends to my love because he is dead. I want the world to know that he was a wonderful man, full of compasion and he was always there when someone needed him. He also served his country in the Marines," doing time" in Desert Storm. At night when I close my eyes I picture my blue eyed prince and ask that where ever he may be that he has found his peace. But what of my peace? I read over the certificate of death and I still don't believe that he is gone and when I read that the location of his death as Mission Bay Channel, West end of North jetty, San Diego I cry. It is beautiful out there and it is peaceful but I wish that it did not have to be his final place in life. There is a poem called The Different Stars by W.S. Merwin and somewhere in it it says something about division being the only evil. And I cry. And then it says something about the stars would look to us to guide them if we only knew . And I cry some more. I love William still and every day I must remind myself that he is around me in the things that I do and the wind that blows. If it was not for this I would have to make my own way to him. William, I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul, always and forever, no matter what.

Amanda Vossler

anniversary date 3-14-96
date of post 12-12-96

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