Son does not know what to do?


My father died on November 30, 1996. He was initially diagnosed in India where he went to visit. Being a courageous man, my father decide to fight it and had surgery done wiothin a few days of finding out. He battled hard and was making excellent progress. He lifted our hopes really high. He survived radaition therapy and the surgery before that . He was laughing and doing everything like he normally would. Even the doctor was surprised. He decied to come to the states to see my sister and to meet her. When he came here, he fell sick due to the 26 hour flight from Bombay to New York. We took him to the emergency room to be put on IV. He stabilized but further tests over the next two weeks showed that the cancer had recurred and it was spreading very fast. Doctors out here suggested that we go back as it is better treatment with friends and famliy around. Also, we did not have any insurance out here and my sister was the only one earning. I go to Rutgers University full time. He went back even though it was hard. He had doubts this time but he never let it show it. Treatment over there seemed to be progressing fine for 4 weeks with chemotherapy being the only alternative. The cancer had spread to the other side of the throat . On November 22, I recieved a call from my mother that he was in a very serious condition. My sister and I flew to India the very same day making al the financial arrangements with my cousin out here. His eyes were swollen, his body frail and his hope gone. I did all I could for the rest of his time. My mother and my sister would take care of him during the day and all the relatives who came to see him. I would stay awake all night by his bedside to take care of any needs. I had to wash him anytime of the day, clean him up, take him to the restroom. I did not mind any of this. I was present to see him peeling his skin, hair and suffering in the next three- four days. He passed away on the sixth day . My sister had changed her engagement date so that my father could see her engagement as that was his sincere wish. He stopped breathing at about 2.46 and I tried to revive himusing CPR, mouth to mouth, pounding on his chest but to no avail. In order to provide a cover of courage , I could not cry as that was the only way I could support my mother and my sister. We have a big family of about 100 people and they have been supportive in every possible way but they could not help us in feeling at peace. My father died very peacefully seeing everybody, seeing my sister happy, making sure the financial arrangements for my mother were taken care of. He made sure I was in the right track in school and in life. He saw all his brother s and sisters. I gave him a bath and shaved his beard according to our customs before the funeral. I lit fire to his funeral and never shed a tear. I always think to this day that is the way he would have wanted me to handle things, strong and keeping a good picture of him in my heart. Although till today I have been very strong but I cannot control my emotions any longer. I can see his face at any free moment I have, every night, during the day, while driving. I cannot forget him. I cannot say anything to anyone else in the family because they depend on me for strength and support. I have been handling the household affairs, supporting my family. But taking care of my family, supporting them financially, emotionally, taking care of things around the house, working full time and going to college full time does keep in control of myself at all times. Today was a rouh day and thanks to this web page , I feel like I can share my grief and at the same time appeal to all you nice people out there for a good word of advice that can help me under the present circumstances. I do not know how to cope with the grief during times that I cannot control myself. Please Help me! Thank you.


You can send email to Kunal at: [email protected]
mail welcome

anniversary date 11-30-96
date of post 03-15-97

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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW