Living Without My Angel

Ileana Villahermosa

I will always remember when I met "Mr. Death". It was when I identified my baby's body. I looked into Felipe's eyes, the light that lit my days and nights with so much love was not there. I've never seen Mr. Death so close. At that moment I was in hell. I realized I will never see Felipe alive and panicked . The worse and most powerful terror took over me!!! I've never felt like that before. I've never been in hell before. The thought of not having him was more than I could handle. He was my life!! I loved him sooo. I have never experienced terror so high that it numbs you. All I can remember was starting to pray begging for a miracle.

Please God, wake up from this nightmare!!! I remember my son and I used to pray together, and was sure God was going to give him back, healthy and strong. But, those thoughts lasted only seconds. I couldn't calm myself, so I cry and cry.

I could only think, I will never be with the person I loved the most. I was in another dimension, where I've never been before, and all I could feel was severe pain and deep sorrow. The worse part is, I have no idea how to get off that horrific place. Only those that lost a child know the place I'm talking about. We all go there when we realize that we've lost a part of us. A PART GREATER THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. The only emotions you feel are extreme pain and terror. You are scared of living, knowing that you have to live without them, not see them anymore, the thought is unbearable, I needed my boy to keep on living. I was desperate!! OH LORD!!! My baby was dead!!! I felt like I had jumped and was falling down to this dark place. The sun will never come back out again. Holy Mother of Christ!!! How did that happen? Just a few hours ago he was alive and well.

My dear "ANGEL" went to heaven April 13th, 1999, my soul went with him. For the first time, I understood the difference between body and soul. My body was here but couldn't feel anything, only sorrow, anguish and great amounts of pain. My body lost his soul, the part that made me; feel; alive; what I was. I felt dead but my body was still alive. How is that possible??? It is so hard to understand because I've never felt this emptiness before. I remember the first thing my brain did was to sleep walk. Normal contact with the outside world was gone. I assumed this is what happens when a baby is in the womb. He has no contact with the outside until is ready to come out. I am not ready, not yet. One day I had a healthy boy and the next day he was gone. I learned the difference between a newborn and myself, when the baby comes out his parents are there to help. When you are an adult and tragedy strikes, you are on your own. And that is how I am, on my own and so afraid. I don't have the slightest idea how to keep going without my son. My loving, caring and precious son. The thought of being without him drives me crazy. Some days I put that thought out of my mind. I create all sorts of stories, like he is visiting with my sister in Florida. One thing I have learned is to survive one day at a time. I have no energy to do anything else. Waking up requires all my energy, and at this time it is all I can do. If I only knew back then the things I know now. A lot of concepts have come clear, e.g., live the present to the fullest because there might not be a tomorrow. We shouldn't waste our energy thinking how to be happy tomorrow. WE have to be happy now. We have to tell our kids how special they are now. We have to tell them to live every minute and enjoy them to the fullest.

I know there is no going back, the person I was will never be. It is impossible to be the same when you have learned the definition of pain. I have learned valuable lessons that can not be taught, you have to live them to be able to understand them. Once you survive the dimension of deep sorrow, there is no point of return. You see the world in a completely different way. I belong to a place full of people that have lost a child. I guess I am in pretty good company, they know how I feel without saying a word. We feel each other's pain. I know where they are, I am there too. It is not true that time heals, time allows you to develop the tools to fight that pain. You have never felt this pain before, so your brain has to create ways of dealing with that horrific pain. It takes time, that is the hard part. You have to learn how to remember your child without hurting so much. Each day is a struggle but you have to keep going. That my friends, is called SURVIVING!!!

What people don't realize is, the person you love is gone but not your love for them. You love someone that you can't touch or see. I learned from my baby to be strong and brave. He had great moral values and integrity. I know I will see him again. That day will be the first day of our eternal life together. I am going to be so Happy!!!!! Until that day comes, this new person must go on. Must learn to jump those hurdles. I must honor his memory and make him proud.

Mami will always love you.


Ileana Villahermosa

You can email Ileana Villahermosa at: [email protected]
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anniversary date 04-13-99
date of post 06-15-99


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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW