We Shall Not See Him But In Heaven

Thomas Ringer

My friends were all in attendance, and my godfather gave a moving eulogy. Two weeks later, I wrote my midterm exams and did very well. It was as if nothing had happened, which was exactly how everyone, especially my teachers, treated me. I remember my physics teacher yelling at me one day in class because I was late. This was only two months after my father died. It was as if everyone had completely forgotten about me. So I grew to forget about my father's death, too.

A year later, I began suffering from severe anxiety and depression. My psychiatrist prescribed some medications which helped a little, but since then I haven't been able to shake this horrible feeling of desperation. I know it's because I'm suppressing grief about my dad, but there's nothing I can do to control it. I feel as if no one understands what I'm going through and no one ever ever asks me how I'm going.

It's really sad and terrifying. I feel like I've lost my youth. I walk around feeling way too old for my years, and feel so much fear of loss. Everytime my mom comes home late from work, I am afraid that she's been in a car accident. Every time I get the flu, I fear that I am going to die of cancer. Every time my girlfriend forgets to call me, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her. I can't hold on to people... I can't hold on to their voices... to their memories.

I know that I am working towards recovery. I feel better now than I did a few months ago, and my anxiety is in check, more or less but the depression is very hard to cope with. I find that I tend to withdraw from others when I'm depressed, and this isolation only makes it worse. I guess I'm just afraid to cry around other people, I'm afraid of scaring people away, even my best friends, even my girlfriend, even my family. I know that I'm a good person; so why do I feel so bad all the time? When does it get easier? When will I be able to smile again? Is there anything I can do to achieve deliverance from this burden?

Thomas Ringer

You can send email to Thomas Ringer at [email protected]

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Anniversary date - 11-30-98
Date of post - 2-16-00

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