My name is Bridget Chapman. I lost in one person my best friend, my confidant,and my 23 year old brother. I recived a call on Dec.30, 2000,telling me my brother was in the hospital diagnosed with Leukemia. My first reaction was to round up as many people as possible for bone marrow testing..............That was not to be. As the evening progressed (we were located in different provinces) the news became worse. Scott (I call him Smokey)was going to die and nothing could be done. Testing was done to determine that he was brain dead. I was losing him. I have never felt so helpless in my life,so angry. I had always believed in heaven until this. When it's this close to home it shakes you to the core your belief system and all.I wanted to go to the hospital but the weather would not cooperate airports were shut down due to heavy snowfall, roads unbearable. I sat by the phone all night phoning the hospital every half hour hoping praying that there would be a change. I spoke to a wonderful nurse (cudos to nurses everywhere) I explained to her that I was trying to get to him,but in case I did not make it would she please take his hand and tell him that his sister loves him. She did and called me back to tell me so. At 5:17 the morning of the 31st I was told the words that changed me and the way I look at life..........I'm sorry your brother has passed. All I could say was please tell me that he did not die alone....I could not bear the thought that he would leave thinking no one cared. I came to find out later that while he was still concious I was the person he was asking for the one he wanted there. I was touched deeply that in his last moments I was on his mind....at the same time everytime I needed someone or something he was there and the one time he needed me I was not. I really waish that i could help people through the grieving process,but i can't mine has not yet ended. I live everyday thinking about him,hopinf that I'll wake up and it will be a dream. I cannot even begin to do my brother justice with words. I will try. He was 23 years old when he passed, a hard worker, actually the core of our family because if anyone in the family was having a difference of opinion we always talked to Scott. I can't ever remember really being mad at him. He's like a father to my son. Wonderful person does not even begin to describe it. I like to think he is in a better place, but the selfish part of me says his place is here. Who gets the right to decide who goes and who stays? Why give us these incredible people to love if they are only going to be taken away. I am 29 years old and I only now understand what a child's heart means when someone passes and they say it is not fair.How can I explain to my children if I don't understand it myself? Scott was cremated and now is with me I keep him at my house. That was a hard thing to see, the ashes arrive at my house. My brother in a little black box. I can no longer touch his hair see his smile hear his voice. I can however carry him in my heart no matter where I go.