My Brother's Cusp of Manhood

Shanna Wagner

It was the 4th of July,and I had no plans for the day except to relax with Chris,the daddy of the baby that I was 5 months pregnant with. I had watched fireworks the night before and slept in my red,white,and blue peasant skirt.I had no idea I would be wearing it for the weekend.

I was sleeping deeply until there was loud pounding on the door.It was my mom. She'd said that my Grandpa George,18 y/o bro Griff,and 17 y/o bro Ross had been in a horrible accident. It was the most horrible thing in the world when she told me that brother Griffin is dead. They had already donated his organs and cremated as he had desired it, even his big beautiful blue eyes. I just said,"no,no,no."

I did not really believe in anything right then. There were 2 people in life who I always loved more than myself,and Griffin was one of them. Ross was the other.

I found myself in a car headed towards the hospital my Grandpa was at, but said "I need to see my brother",there was nothing in the world that could appease me from that moment except to see him with my sunken in eyes. Mom's boyfriend agreed I should want to see him and we headed to the house they had all lived in.

He limped and had marks but it was not his own death that marked him. It was his brother, Griffin who had been dealt the fatal blow. For all I care to remember I had admired the two of them and the 3 of us always loved to get together. I had watched them grow up from the time I was 7,I expected them to die long after me.It seemed incomprehensible that one could live and one die.Griffin had promised to spend more time with me,but he was in a band with his brother,had too many friends,and was enjoying to the fullest extent what he had so far found that this life has to offer to a very handsome, artistic, humorous, witty, spirited and profound young man named Griffin.

I understood and I wanted to have all of the time in the world.

It was the other drivers fault ,she had swerved head on into a collision with my Grandpa and "the boys" and when the car flipped it crushed the chest of my brother who sat in the front seat,knocking him unconcious.Ross was the first to escape the vehicle,he saw my Grandpa,stuck but yelling,so he went to my brother..."Griffin,Griffin," he said.He couldnt find him at first,but found him unconcious.

Heaven help us. I visited my Grandpa, today, at the hospital, when Grandpa dies,he is going to arrange a hug for Griffin and me.and to tell him I love him. I told him I love him,he will be the first to see Griffin again, omitting another freak accident. Grandpa understands,he knows that he will be the first to see my brother again,although he won't make the funeral,after some surgery eventually he could seek recovery outside of the hospitals bedpan and bright walls.

Griffin didn't suffer. All those who loved Griffin suffer greatly,and those people are numerous.He was so full of life and I miss him greatly. I know no one knows exactly where I suffer,and I do believe there is a limit to suffering,where one can suffer no more,like a black pit of oil I have sunken into that flattens out into a lake of all who suffer.I have not felt something so horrible in my 25 yrs,but ive heard those much older say the same thing.I doubt that I will ever face so great a tradjedy again.Griffin was 18 for one month.I am glad he had known girls,and had many friends,and was in a band,but it was all over too quik.His potential will never be realized.His children will never be born.I yearn for him ,like I do for myself,there is too deep a connection.

I don't know how Ross will go on without his best friend and big brother.I am falling apart.My first born child will know about"uncle Griffin,"but where is my brother,my mind spins,why can't he meet my baby.

When they cremated his body,the saved his metal necklace,that he always wore,and I am wearing it now; that he wore it in death is a strange comfort to me; Ross and Grandpa were honored to drive him to his final destination, but it is a terrible thing to bear.

Death does not love,I would punch it in the face if I could, I cannot,there is nothing to fight. My tall,rambunctious brother is going to be my heaven someday, so that I might overcome the tragedy of that day. May God speed the journey that I might make sure he is alright. I am so afraid of a loving God.

I will never get over this. Not until the point after death. Meanwhile,I do not honor death,but the young man with the big blue eyes who may actually now see the sun.

Of course I am grateful for the remainding life,as tear drenched as all of it is.

"God bless you my sweet brother Griffin,and protect you my grieving brother Ross,and me for I am fumbling and weak,let me love them always.

Shanna Wagner

You can send email to Shanna Wagner at [email protected]

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Anniversary date - 7-2-02
Date of post - 7-6-02

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