I'm still at the point where I can't believe he's gone. My 78 year old father died suddenly from complcations of pneumonia (I think), perhaps a blood clot in the lung, the doctor suggested.. We didn' have an autopsy. His death was very sudden to us. He had been hospitalized for breathing difficulty just 2 days before he died. He was treated routinely, with no indication that his condition was serious and couldn't be rectified.
At 44, I had on several occassions over the past few years tried to imagine what his death might be like, circumstances, feelings, etc. No surprise! Nothing happened as I thought it might. I was initially shocked and devastated at the news of his death. It just wasn't fair. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I imagined that if he was in the hospital, they would know if he was dying, and they would warn us, and notify us to come to his bedside so we could be there with him in his last moments. Instead he died suddenly, with only medical staff around. I hate the thought of that.
Now I'm stuck with the reality that I have to go to work every day, and everyone expects that I should just move on, and function as normal. I probably function fine on the outside, but inside, I'm dying - and it feels like no-one cares, and no-one wants to know.
I can't imagine life without my father. He was the guiding force of our family, at times in a very gentle, unspoken way. His family was everything to him. He loved us without question. He was a kind, caring and sensitive person - much like I am. It's not just losing a father, but a kindred spirit as well. He understood me, and I understood him. He was responsible, and reliable - always there for those who needed him. Who do we count on now? The void he left can be filled by no-one. My sense of safety and security has been changed forever. I'm married with older children, but I still can't come to terms with losing my father, and what he represented in my life.
Why do I have to pretend to the rest of the world that everythings okay? I so resent that.
Cathy Sousa
