This is one of my letters to Mark, I write him on a regular basis.
Mark and I moved to Pago Pago, American Samoa from Portland, Oregon last year. He was hired to manage and do the morning show on the islands radio station. He was an avid diver, 30 yrs experience. He went out one day and never surfaced, his body was never found. He just disappeared. I cannot tell you the anquish of not only having this horrible tragedy happen, but to NOT KNOW and NEVER KNOW what happened or where he is...I kissed him goodbye and he vanished.
10/11/01
Hello Sweetheart,
Today marks the two month anniversary of your disappearance.
I miss you so much baby. I have to stop asking ?why?? I'll never know and I have to accept that. I wish you were still here with me. I cant seem to move forward with my life. I think about you all the time. You are the last thing on my mind at night, you are the first thing I think of in the morning. If I wake up at night, it takes forever to go back to sleep because I start thinking of you.
I am so lonely without you. I feel so empty. I feel that I don't have a purpose anymore. We had our life, our routine, our future, our dreams?when you left, that all got yanked away from me.
I wish SO very much you were here with me and you never went diving that day. I don't understand what happened to you baby. You are so good, so careful, so safe. I would give anything to have you here, holding me, loving me, living our life once again.
I pray there is a heaven..I pray to see you again. I wish you would come to me in my dreams. I want to know you're ok. I love you darling.
I had a dream last night that I was with someone else?not just sexually, but in a relationship?in my dream I told him I loved him, but it was so empty?it was said without feeling?not like when I tell you ?I love you?. When I told you, my whole body was so warm and complete?in my dream it was mechanical?no feeling...just going thru the motions. I don't think I can ever love and be happy again. I'm afraid to care about anyone again. I never want to feel this pain again. I never imagined going thru this?.it hurts SO bad, and it doesn't fade.
I moved to a new house. Not to escape the memory of you, but in an attempt to take the good memories of you to a new location. I couldn't stay at the other house anymore?it hurt too bad. Everywhere I looked, it was ?you?. You should be in the kitchen fixing one of your fabulous dinners..you should be sitting in your recliner tying jigs or falling asleep...you should be in the shower with me, you should be going to bed at night with me, you should be watching tv with me, you should be by my side when I wake up, you should be the one I listen to on the radio?we should be fishing together every nice day. I can't stand being without you. You were my life, my existence, my purpose.
I hope you can see me, I hope you are looking out for us?your family...I pray to see you again someday. You are everything to me darling. I am so lost without you.
Today is the second month of missing you so very much. I cry daily for you, for us, for what never will be. I love you with all my heart honey.
Rest in peace, we will be together again.
I love you,
Cat
Cathy Brown
