Hello, my name is Debbie. I am writing because I lost 2 fathers in a 4 year time span. The first was my biological father. We were not just father and daughter, but best friends. On March 6, 1996, he was diagnosed with Leukemia. I guess I don't have to tell you it devastated me. About this time I also learned I was pregnant with my first child, I spent that year taking care of my dying father, and anticipating the birth of my child. On March 5 of 1997 I said good-bye to my dad. He had gone to be with God, however at the time I was angry and resentful toward God for taking him away from me. Just 3 days after he died I gave birth to my son. I never got over loosing him, but thankfully I had my mother, brother, husband, and one very special man that didn't have to be my rock. This man was my step father. He and my mother had been together for 17 years and he no matter what I had done or said stood by me through my life. Believe me I was not an easy child to get along with. In the beginning I had resented him for being with my mother, but over the years he showed me on more than a few occasions he was not going anywhere and that he loved me no matter what I threw at him. As an adult we became friends. I found myself calling him dad as well. When I lost my father he was at my side and told me it was ok my dad was still with me and would always be there. Well, it has been 4 years since the death of my father, and just last month I had to say good-bye to my step father. In October of 2001 he was diagnosed with Melanoma of the brain. I again went into an angry resentment towards God for taking him away from me and my family. He was the only grandfather my son had ever known and now I am faced with having to explain through his life why both of his grandfathers are gone. As for me I have to say my husband has been so understanding, but he has expressed concerns about my mental state. He has told me since loosing my father I have been so angry and sometimes very cold and distant, but now he says it is as if I am just giving up on life and myself. I suppose he is right, I really feel lost and most of all I feel as if I have done something to deserve this. The worst is my 12 year old sister, since loosing my dad she is out of control and I can't seem to get her back on track. Most of my dads family doesn't speak to one another because there are deeper problems in the family. So I find myself wondering most of the time what have I done that was so terrible that God has put me through this. I never grieved for either of my dads, I am always the one holding up the family. I just go day by day and wonder what disaster will strike next? I have never spoke to a counselor and I am not sure where I would begin. Does this pain of loosing a father (or in my case 2 fathers) ever go away? Will I ever be myself again?
Well, this is my story and I thank you for taking the time to read it.
May God bless you all
Debbie Molnar
