A Mother Without a Son


Yes, two suicides in one family-11 months and 18 days after my husband shot himself, my son shot himself...1:45 a.m., on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. He was in his bedroom; I was in my office in the next room...Will I ever stop hearing the sound???? Some days I think I can't take it, and all I really want is out of my pain, so I just have to keep repressing my thoughts-my grief-my sorrow-my unbearable pain...It really is one-breath-at-a-time. There is a huge hole left where part of my heart and soul died with my son that day. It will never heal...It's like they say~it scabs over, but my scab keeps falling off and bleeding profusely. My son loved his dad so much, so I do have comfort knowing they are together now. What a reunion they had-my mom was there to great both of them. She loved my husband and son so much. I miss them so much-I don't like it, and I never ever will, but I have to learn to accept it. The WHYS will never be answered...the pain of loss will never go away. Surviving a suicide is a long, slow, and hard journey to travel...it's been mainly uphill for me~one step forward, and then five backward...It hurts like nothing I have ever felt. Even though I am married again, and have love and joy in my life, that part of my spirit is gone...I am forever changed...I wish they would not have killed themselves...I beg for just five more minutes with either of them...I want my son back....I always will.....He was my buddy :( I guess, in summary, I know in my heart there is light at the end of the tunnel, and God has me on this path for a reason, so I will have faith in that. I am here by His grace. I will try to live my days here on this earth honoring their memory and not defining their lives by their choice of suicide to end their life.


You can send email to Brenda at [email protected]

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Anniversary date - Husband: 9/9/99
Date of post - 2-14-02

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