You should have been there...
To see the love in your Daddy's eyes,
To sleep with Mommy and hold her hand while you nurse,
To see how excited and happy your brother was,
To receive all those sweet kisses from your sisters.
You should have been there...Instead you where somewhere else, like a little angel in a fairy tale.
So perfect, so beautiful, so still.
It's been over a year since I went to the birth center to deliver a healthy full term baby. The nurse asked on the phone if I had felt the baby move since labor began early that morning. No, come to think of it, I hadn't. I still repressed my worry, but I could not share in my husbands enthusiasm for the impending delivery. It was several hours later my deepest, darkest fear was confirmed. I was induced and delivered Piper, a 7 lb 8oz, beautiful girl. I have never felt so much pain, I felt like I was falling down a deep, dark hole. I could not understand how I could still be alive and feel the way I did. I have been in therapy, take anti-depressants and have improved my state mind but I still live with incredible guilt. I've accepted that I'm a different person now and I've learned to live with the "new me" but I still miss the "old me" that thought all my babies would come home healthy and safe. The one positive thing I hold on to is the love I never had a chance to share with Piper is constantly being dispersed to all those I love...