Our son died suddenly. They told us it was a cerebral hemorrhage. He had been doctoring for severe headaches for going on 2 weeks. They kept telling him it was just a virus and that it had to run it's course. We were 600 miles away when he died. He was a Junior at Coastal Carolina University in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We live in Pennsylvania.
He was attending the University on an 80% tuition paid, athletic scholarship, playing baseball. He was an excellent student and most importantly a very special person. He and his mother had a wonderful relationship. One that most mothers and fathers would envy. Some might say it was almost an obsession. I say it was ideal love. Those are the facts, now for our story.
I know that most everyone who will read this will have probably experienced a similar loss. I know that most everyone reading this will sense that they know how we feel. That being said, I'm going to write how I feel and how I see my wife. You see. I don't know what you've all experienced. I don't know what to feel. I don't know anything.
I only know that my wife lost a son and I lost a stepson. I only know the pain and confusion I feel everyday. I only know that I see my wife stare into space. I sit and watch and watch the video tapes of the baseball playoffs. I go to the pharmacy to have yet another set of pictures re-developed.
I know that I sit and listen to my wife cry herself to sleep, that I see her shake uncontrollably. That I try to hug the pain away from her.
I know that I answer so many questions relative to Joe's passing. I know that I think that I'm supposed to make sure the other things in our life continue. We have 4 other children. We have to be there for them. I know that I had to do the Christmas shopping. I had to try to make Christmas right for the other Children.
I know that I can't lift the "cement block" that my wife feels on her chest. I know that I can't bring Joe back. I know that I hate to see my wife in such pain. I know that I hate the way I feel. I know that I feel bad if I try to be "normal" for the rest of the family. I know that I feel guilty if I don't cry when my wife cries.
What I don't know is... will we make it. Will my wife ever feel as though she can move on? Will I ever be able to lift that "cement block" from her chest? Will we ever Christmas shop together? Will we make it?
Will we ever see Joe again?
I don't know the answers...I only know what I'm feeling and what I see.
This is a 2nd marriage for both my wife and I. We both feel so lucky to have found each other. I wrote a poem for my wife with hopes of easing some of her pain. I've attached it if you'd care to post it.
Thank you for having such a page. I'm not sure what it will do for us. I only know that I needed to write this stuff down and I don't know if anything will come of it. I only know that I love my wife and my family more than any words could ever describe. If this will help us get through this, great, if not, well I'll keep trying.
His Smile
It was his smile, That caught your eye when he walked in the room.
It was his smile, That dried your eyes when you were feeling blue.
The joy that he brought to you, well I can't quite describe, I only know the world was a better place when he was by your side.
It was his smile, That showed how proud he was for pleasing you,
It was his smile, That said his love for you was, oh so true,
I know you'll never understand why the Lord took him away, I only know you're gonna miss him, each and every day, And I know that there's not a thing that I could ever do, Cause if there was I hope you know that I'd bring him back to you.
It was his smile, That brought that loving teardrop to your eye
It was his smile, That said ?don't worry 'bout me mom, I'll be just fine.?
Photographs and memories may be all he's left behind, And I know you're oh so sad for all the dreams that he won't find, I can't tell you not to miss him, I can't tell you not to cry, I can only tell you that I believe that he's standing by your side.
It was his smile, That told you he's gonna be OK
It was his smile, That drove all those motherly worries away,
Now he's left this earth forever, you're wondering ?what are we to do?? Ya know, I think he'd want you to know that he's watching over you, As for me I'd often wondered what made him different from all of us, What made him special and why when he was around everyone made such a fuss,
But my wondering now is over, I must have known for all the while,
It was his smile????? It was his smile????? It was his smile?????
(Oh, yeah, he left a message for you before he left . . . ?I Love You Mom?)
Michael Hart
