I wanted you and I didn't want you.
Is that why you died?
I know you were there
you moved under my hands
-the skin would move, just so,
And sometimes
you tapped at me. The quickening.
Too small to kick.
When I felt the blood
I wept. It was wrong. I knew it.
Then we saw your heartbeat.
Then we didn't.
That was four hours later
in a hospital bed
Surrounded by my maidens and ladies
Who had seen this death before
Who did not know what to say.
Inducing contractions
I waited almost a day
To deliver
the water bag, you
And the placenta which betrayed me.
The placenta, with blood clots, whole,
Fully formed, that had ripped from
My uterus,
that couldn't keep its position,
like a silly chorus girl,
That had nothing wrong with it
said the autopsy.
Nothing wrong, she said, as she looked
At the tests.
Now I live in this mystery,
I remember holding your body like a feather,
I have no limit to my sadness,
I am astounded at my grief,
Which comes upon me
Like an ocean's edge,
Which leaves me silent
with your absent life.
Linda
