I have never before written about the loss of my mother. I visited this page with little hope of finding anything to help. But was surprised, maybe this could help you as I was helped. First, my name is Elizabeth, and my Mother was diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 14, and they did surgery and it disappeared, then four years later when I was eighteen my Mother walked into my apartment and off handedly said that one of her tests came back funny. As usual, my Mother assured me nothing was wrong and everything would be fine. In two more months, nothing was fine and it was certain that I would lose my Mother. It was just a matter of how long. For the next two years, I watched as the most beautiful person in my life, was destroyed bit by bit. We chose home care as an option, since I was a nurse, I was actually a bit forced into that decision. So for the next two years of my life, I cared for a patient, I could not bear to lose. I lived a very reserved life, and my Mother was so fantastic I really never needed anyone else. In all of my other relationships, I was the strong one. So I watched her die, and never ever cried in front of her because she was so afraid for me, I wanted to prove I would be fine so she wouldnt worry. I thought I had been preparing, but it is something you cant imagine or prepare for. When she died, I was just in a state of shock, my entire life, 24 hours a day for the last year had been surrounding her. She was my job, my social life, my relaxation time, she was everything, she could do nothing for herself, so I was left in the middle of this dessert with nothing. For the first few days I felt only relief, watching her in pain, has to be the worst thing I have ever experienced. I still can't remember the good times with my mother.
There are so many of her in pain, I havent seen them enough times to discard them yet, and maybe I never will. Another young lady described her mother as a shadow of a once loved person, and that description is accurate. My Mother could sometimes remember me, but because of the amount of pain medication to keep it bearable, the last month of her life was spent in a complete daze. I often wonder if losing my Mom would have been easier if I had not had to watch her destruction. It is a very testing experience to watch probably the only woman I ever knew who deserved no pain, go through more than I could imagine. It will test your faith in anything and everything. I had had enough of life and was ready to throw in the towel.
I received all sorts of advice and none of it helped. I was lost and the one person who could fix everything was no where to be seen and in her place were only memories of pain and loss. I finally decided to do the only thing I felt like doing and the only thing I had strength enough to do, cry. Even if it wasnt healthy, even if it wasnt proper, I was going to try it, cause there were no other solutions left. I cried and cried for almost the last year straight, and I am beginning to see a tiny fiber of light, maybe I will recover a little, and maybe I will somehow find joy in life again. My store of tears will never go away, but after a year of fighting through the pain and just dealing with it the only way I knew how, the length of my crying sessions has shortened and the frequency has become less. I still cry everyday, and I will miss her the rest of my life, but it is much better now. That is the only advice I can give. Don't feel selfish, don't feel bad, don't listen to well meaning friends who have never experienced it. Do what your body and mind tell you will help, and perhaps it will.
Liz
