Today is the fourth anniversary of Jeff's death and I am not handling it well this year. I'm in a very sad place and miss him very much. Jeff always dreamed of owning and riding a motorcycle since he was a little boy. In June of 1996 just after his 28th birthday, he bought his dream and proudly drove it the 1 hours to my house to show it to me. He was so proud of accomplishing his dream.
Sadly, two months later while on a brief drive on his cycle, he passed his wife and 4 year son on their way home, so he turned around to follow them home when a woman under the influence pulled her van out of a small strip mall just a few feet from his street and hit him off his bike. Then she ran over him. He died instantly.
I was notified at work the next morning of his death. I spent the next week in a daze. I attended the wake and the funeral but felt as if I was watching a movie and that this just couldn't be real. The next several months Ijust went through the motions of life and only could take my mind off of the grief when I was busy at work. I read a lot of books,attended support groups, took counseling and medications, but none of these things ever stilled the utter emptiness and aching that I was feeling. Holidays, birthdays, months and years came and went and each was a challenge, some easier to get through than others.
But then I was slammed dunked back into utter despair this year. And so, I'm trying to accept that it never really gets better; it just goes on & on. I wish I had had the chance to say, "Goodbye, Jeff", "I love you, Jeff," "I miss you, son." I didn't, I won't, but I do send these wishes to him by honoring his life, his death and his spirit. So, Jeff, I love you, and I didn't know how much I loved you until you weren't with me anymore. Mom
Pam Ashby
