I am a 37 year old woman who has just begun the grieving process of my father. I did notknow that I had not grieved....life had just moved on after my father died in a motorcyle accident. My mother fell to absolute pieces when he died. She became helpless, and to some extent still is. I remember many adults coming up to me, squatting down to look me squarely in the eye, and saying "You have to be strong for your mother. She is going through a terrible time." I guess I and my 2 older brothers (who remember similar advice from the grown-ups) just sucked it up. I don't ever really rememberfeeling anything, or talking about it. I never remember saying to my mom or anyone else "I miss Daddy so much." Life just moved on. Our mother shut down emotionally after Daddy died. She basically went into survival mode, and began looking for ways to heal her own hurts, completely ignoring our needs. She is a very needy woman,and within a year had found a married man, and got pregnant by him. I remember the rage and jealousy I felt. I would scream into my pillow. How dare she take upwith another man? I was a Daddy's Girl. My mother was not a good mom, sometimes now I wonder how my dad ended up with her. When he died, i felt like I lost myprotector. He shielded me from her impatience and harsh words. She often said stupid things, things that you just don't say to your kids. Is it any surprise that I cannot have an intimate relationship with a man? My fear of abandonment is strong.
I have been seeing a therapist for about two years, and also attend Codependents Anonymous. I am a Codependent. Living with our mom after dad died, was like living with an alcoholic. We had to take care of her. She could not take care of herself, and after all, the adults told us that we had to step in and do it. So we did. I am fucked up, and so are my brothers. My brother that is four years older than me has so much rage inside of him. He cannot even talk about Daddy. I began the process of letting my feelings out only about 9 months ago. But my emotional wires have been so crossed for so long, that I have no idea what I am feeling lots of times. It is very natural for me to slide into my pattern of denial, which then leads me into a spiral of feeling heavy shame and loathing for myself. I get almost to the breaking point-where I am saying to myself "I cannot deal with this pain anymore", when somehow I let go. I don't know how I do it. Giving up is not easy for me. It's weird, when I "give up on giving up" is when it seems to happen. I am angry at God for taking my dad, and for nothelping me with my grief. He took my daddy, my protector, and left me like a fish out of water to deal with my mom. I have major issues with God. I do not see him as a benevolent force who loves me. I see him as being mean and taking away my father. I went thru a spurt of sorrow and anger about 9 months ago, and thought that I was"done" with all this stuff. But all of a sudden, the past few weeks have been hell. Sometimes I am blown away that I continue to cry and feel like I lost him just yesterday. I wish I had never heard those adults tell me I had to be strong for my mom. If I could remember who they are and could track them down right now, they would get a major bitch out from me. Shame on adults and the stupid things they say to kids. Thanks for listening....
MaryLou
