A Conversation With My Dad

Jennifer Campbell

I really miss you, Dad.

You left too soon.

I just found you!

I know that the whole family is grieving together, but I feel so alone.

Marc and Henry are in Washington visiting Marc's parents.

He offered to cancel his plans, but I told him to go.

I told him to visit his parents because there is no time to waste.

But now, here I am, alone, just wasting time.

You were too young to die!

I'm too young to lose you!

I want you to know how angry I am with you!

You knew how your own parents died.

You knew the family's history.

You knew you were getting sick ten years ago.

But you were always stubborn.

You could worry about everyone else, but no one should worry about you.

I wish you could have trusted me to be strong.

I was strong, you know.

I still am, but sometimes I cry.

It?s OK to cry, Dad.

I hate the fact that I don't know what you were trying to tell me on Friday, the day before you died.

It's been haunting me, Dad.

It haunts me more than the memory of the moment that you let go of your last breath - that sigh.

At least I knew you were at peace.

But I have no peace because I keep remembering that you wanted to tell me something.

You looked so urgent.

But I couldn't understand you.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry I wasn't a very good daughter to you.

I'm sorry I couldn't get Keith to call you.

I know you want me to forgive him, but I can't right now.

I will, but not today.

I really miss you, Dad.

I wish I could see you or hear you just once more.

I wish I could dream of you.

But all I could do was kiss your face until it was time to close your coffin.

Then they took you to the cemetery, and they played taps, and they gave a flag to Yolie.

And then they told everyone to leave, and they lowered you into the ground.

That was Wednesday.

That night I fell into a deep sleep.

I didn't dream at all, even though I wanted to.

I haven't dreamed since then.

Marcia had a dream about you.

She said that you went to a place where there were lots of people whose faces she couldn't see.

And you turned to her and said, "See?"

And then you said to the people who were there, "I'm sorry I took so long."

And a woman answered, "But no time has passed at all!"

"Come and see!"

And, looking down, you could see the earth whirling on its axis at an incredible speed.

I really miss you, Dad.

I thought this would be a good place to come.

Somehow, I thought you might be out there.

Just out there...


I wondered if you could tell me when the tears are supposed to dry up.

Tomorrow is Easter.

They say it?s a time for renewal, for new beginnings.

But all I can feel is the ending.

Here on earth the world turns very slowly.

I hope I get to see you again soon, Dad.

But right now the phone is ringing, and life is going on.

And I?m trying to go on with it.

I love you, Dad.

I will never forget you.


Jennifer Campbell

You can send email to Jennifer Campbell at [email protected]

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Anniversary date - 4-15-00
Date of post - 4-22-00

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