It has been nearly two months since you've died, and words cannot express the pain and loss I have been feeling. You lived two separate lives when you were here. When I am able to be philosphical about your death, I sometimes wonder if that is the reason God took you. In retrospect, I don't believe you truly understood the impact your actions had on others. When I tried to explain, you did not understand. You didn't feel pain and sadness the same way most people do. I knew this, I loved you so much and tried hard to accept it, I knew I was broken too. No one can possibly know how I wish to keep and hold closely only positive and beautiful memories of you.
The mixed feelings I have are tearing me apart. I would love to reminisce with your family, maybe seek solace in their company and memories of you. I cannot, as they did not know we were intimate or "together". Those friends who witnessed us then would rather forget now, as it was an ugly thing you hanging on to me while planning to marry someone else. They are lucky they can forget, and cling to the image of you they created, the person they thought they knew. There is no way to describe how the oxygen left my body when I read about your wedding plans in your obituary. No way to squelch the anger or the shock, knowing that you spent the last weekend of your life, the last weeks, the last month, with me.
When I stood at your coffin with your family and fiance, I wanted to lay down and die too. I begged to sleep and not wake. When I hugged your dad, I almost passed out; I could not even speak to your mom. I just held on as long as I could; I knew the last true link I had with you would be gone the moment I let go.
I like to think you would have been proud of me, I protected you and your secrets. Now I wonder who will protect me? Who will help shoulder the burden of my secrets? Still, I love you. I have not even attempted to fill the void your absence has created. I lay awake knowing we will never spend another year and a half together - walking on the beach in Mexico and seeing the dolphins, going to the lake in the summer, playing in the snow in the winter. I will never wake up with you again, see your smile, hear your laugh, or feel your arms around me. I do not understand all that has happened, and can't describe the pain I feel knowing now you planned to leave me before you were gone.....