My Shining Star


Susan Evans

Picture of Steve I still can see his beautiful face. This child was a wonder to us all. When I look back now, I don't think he stayed a child long enough. He was so grown up so young. He was extremely intelligent and always looked into the very heart of everything he did.

He was a super athlete. A star running back on the high school football team a state champion in wrestling, state honor society all through high school, member of the army reserve where he was a leader in his platoon, a pre-med student at Oklahoma State University, 4.0 student.

I have asked myself over and over what went wrong. What happened to this gifted child who had everything going for him? He didn't do drugs. He always seemed so strong. After his death, his classmates told me that they had always went to him when they needed to be uplifted. He was their rock.

We were as close as a mother and son could be. We talked every day. I miss him so much. What I would give for one of his hugs today. He called from school and told me if he had a gun it would all be over. I talked him into coming home and proceeded to make arrangements with a psychologist to see him. When he got home we talked for hours and he convinced me he was ok and that we would go to the psychologist the next day. Why did I let him talk me into that? The next morning he said he was going to get something for breakfast and would be right back, he never came back. He borrowed a gun, drove to our farm in the country, went down on the creek, put the 9mm gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. After he had been gone for over an hour I began to look for him and finally after talking to his uncle who loaned him the gun I found him. The rest of course is a blurr for several days. Having to tell his 15 year old brother and his father.

My life has completely changed since that day. I will never be the same. I still think of him every day, but now mostly I remember happy times. I will always miss him, I grieve for what will never be. I wanted so much for him!

I love you Steve, from the depths of my heart. You will always be my shining star. I see you at times in the flowers, a sunset, a bird, a star. I know you are with us . I have felt your presence many times. My first born son, I will never forget you, you are always with me and as long as I love you I will never forget you and I will always love you!

Susan Evans



You can send email to Susan at: evans@tanet.net
mail welcome


anniversary date 11-15-91
date of post 10-26-96

[return to home page] [column] [book excerpts] [honor page] [discussions page]

Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW