My son Tommy came into this world by accident and left this world by accident. He was killed in a car crash October 26, 1993, he fell a sleep at the wheel and hit a tree, estimated speed about 90 miles per hour.
I was 18 years old when I had him, I did not intend to have children, but before I knew it I was pregnant. I was married to his father, but not for very long. He left us and Tommy and I did not see much of him after that. It was just me and Tommy, both of us just children. We grew up together making mistakes along the way and learning. I guess thats what bonded us together, we were a lot a like. I have heard it said that in this life we have soul mates, well he was my soul mate. I love him with every fiber of my being and I know that he loves me in the same way. He was not an excellent student, nor did he do wonderful deeds and heavy school activties. He was just Tommy a true and loyal friend, but as our priest said at his furneral "full of spirit." He was very spirited indeed. I did learn from all the people who wrote us letters and cards that he touched so many lives, much more than I ever realized. He had so many friends and people who cared about him and loved him, to me that tells the story of how he chose to live his life.
It has been a very long and challenging up hill battle to get through it all. It has been almost 4 years and still I have my days, I have learned to deal with it much better than before.
Letting go was so very hard to do for me, I'm not even certain if I have completely let go. I have transfomred it into realizing that I accept the fact that he is not coming back, and I cherish all my memories in my heart and keep them very close.
Losing a child as someone once told me "is a parents worst nightmare," well they were right. I remember after the accident how people avoided talking to me and when they did they would say the stupidest things, but I was so numb I never said anything. I just wish that people would realize that we are not taboo nor do we have a contagious disease, we are just people who have suffered a great loss. A loss that has left a part of us empty and we must start a new journey; a journey back. We will never be who we were before, so take us as we are and don't judge what we have become. I feel that the human race should have classes on dealing with death, so many people do not want to touch that one, it is fear I suppose, fear of our own morality.
This is for you Tyler, because I know that you loved your brother so much. You shared the same room with him for 13 years of your life, and then suddenly he was taken from you. I know that your pain is deep and that you can't accept his death to this point, letting go for you has been very difficult, but because we let go doesn't mean we forget him. Let me help you! I know that I cling tightly to you, but it is only because I love you and I share your pain.
I often wonder where he is now because sometimes I can feel him, or smell him giving me that sense of his presence, then I ask myself if I just want this to happen or is it real. What is real? I'm not certain, but I believe that his spirit is in a special place and I my only solace, is that someday we will meet again.
Eric Clapton wrote a beautiful song when he lost his son, "will you know my name when I see you in heaven," I can only hope.
Your loving Mother and Soul Mate
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