Father God, help me to face and admit my anger in a constructive and healing manner. I cannot get passed this hurt and anger or the feeling of betrayal by the nursing home personell and the doctor. I continue to see my mother struggling to breathe and desperately looking for one of us that night as she lay dying alone, frightened and feeling so abandoned. Why, why, why. So many questions; too few answers. Why didn't I realize what was happening? Why were we not called? Why didn't they tell us that no doctor was available? Did they really call him, and he simply was not willing to respond? Or did no one even bother to call him at all that night? Why did they let Mother suffer and not call any one of us? What was the real motive they had for not hospitalizing her? Where did her records turn up? Who lost them in the first place? Was the consequence for losing her records greater than the consequence for allowing her to lose her life?
Why was I not sensitive to your Spirit, Lord? Was I just so interested in sleep, that I didn't hear or sense you warning me of what was happening? Will I ever know the answer to any of these questions? Father God, I am so angry that I want to see some of them suffer and answer for their actions that led to Mama's death. I want someone to feel my pain. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or even just hug her. I can't face much of the anger that I feel without your help, Father, because I have been so good at masking it for so long. Please help me uncover it so that I can overcome it and be free to experience your joy again.
A widow once stated how grateful she was that she had been able to comfort and assure her husband with her presence right up to the point of his death. I resent that I nor anyone else in my family could be there with and for Mom. It could have made a difference, I know.
I am furious that nothing has changed at ------------- Health Care Centre. The fact that they promise to ensure that medication is available for new patients and that a doctor will admit a patient in a timely manner does not help; these policies were in place,all along. But who am I kidding, the lack of medication never was the real issue. It was the absence of conscience.
Where is the forgiveness that I should feel for those responsible for our loss?
Answers, I so need answers. Perhaps better still, I need closure. How I hate that word. It makes the loss of my mother seem so totally final. I know that without closure, there is no going forward. I am ready to see healing in my family, Lord.
Please help it come to pass.
Linda would appreciate email of support and understanding. LR112279@aol.com