I shared a relationship with my mother that was the envy of many. She was truly the most wonderful and genuine person I have ever been privledged to meet. My mother was an oncology nurse, meaning that she treated cancer patients daily with chemotherapy. To her patients, she was an angel - she gave them a reason to live. She dealt with death daily and to top things off, my father has had lung cancer now for the third time. She was a strong woman who was forced to deal with a lot yet she did so with a smile on her face and always with encouragement and love.
Mom had always had health problems but nothing severe. Last weekend (Sept. 1996) she was down with a flu virus. We (my father, her and myself) were spending Sunday afternoon together. Mom was napping and Dad and I were watching football. Then we noticed that it didn't seem like Mom was breathing. I really didn't think anything of it because I knew that nothing bad could happen to Mom. I tried to wake her up and nothing happened. Dad ran to the phone to call 911 and I tried to give her CPR. But it was like it really wasn't happening; it was all a dream. My mother died in her sleep right beside my father and I and we had no idea it was happening. They say it was a cardiac arrest.
Now she is gone and I feel an emptiness and pain that I never thought possible. If I am thankful for anything it is that she passed away in her sleep with no knowledge of what was happening and no pain. One minute we were all watching TV, the next instant Mom became God's newest angel.
That brings up the "God" issue. As I hear is natural during times like this, I am very bitter with God. I have never had much of a faith in his higher power and now I wonder if I ever will. Mom, however, started going back to church about 6 months ago and was recently baptized. She was so happy about that. It just doesn't make sense. She makes the effort to accept God and find salvation and then he takes her away so soon. If there is a heaven, I know she is there and I can truly feel her presence watching over me and in my heart. I find myself talking to her everywhere I turn.
I know I have talked a great deal about myself but I am just so confused about how to feel, how to act, how to do everything. If I am watching TV and find myself smiling at something, I feel guilty - like I am not thinking of her or something. Sometimes I wish I could find this salvation that everyone finds with God that brings them such peace. I almost want to do it for her. But I just don't know if I can.
But to end this, my mother, Becky, was such a special person that lit up every room she entered. My father and her were still "sweethearts" after 30 years, which is a lot to be said for relationships in this day and age. I am an only child and they made me feel so loved and so lucky. I cry as I type this because I just miss her so much and it has only been a week. She was such a selfless person and all I ever wanted was to make her proud. I hope she can see me and I hope she listens to me. I still need to know she is there.
I would love to talk via e-mail to anyone else who has had the misfortune of suffering such a loss. I need to talk to people who truly understand. I need to know that somehow, someday, it will get better. Please feel free to send e-mail to Zeney@aol.com. (See the mailto: below) Thank you for taking the time to read about this special person in my life.
You can send email to Kim at Zeney@aol.com
anniversary date 9-8-96
date of post 9-17-96