My dad died after a long illness and years of kidney dialysis. His wife was out of town, he was in a hospital with his sister-in-law and his next door neighbor, and I never got to tell him all that was going on in my heart. I still feel a residual guilt over my silence.
Richard Lane Thompson was my dad. He worked hard and provided for us. Unfortunately, Dad wasn't equipped to cope with the demands of life. His marriage was breaking down and he became an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I carried so much rage and anger from those years well into my twenties. After several years of counseling, I began to lift out of my depression and realize my dad loved me, but just didn't know how to tell me. He showed me by providing for me.
Dad's lack of emotions always frightened me, making me feel inadequate, like I couldn't do enough to earn his love. It carried into my relationships. I am married now, but Dad died only a week before he was to meet my fiance. Thank the Lord that God sent a special family into my life and another dad that treated me like his own daughter. He walked me down the aisle June 5, 1999 to my husband.
Dad, I love you and miss you. I know you did your best to show me you cared. I wish I had been there more with you while you were sick, so we could have talked and shared more. Forgive me for having such a hard heart toward you. I wish I would have been more understanding, but I repressed my feelings for so long that I felt they had to be addressed..
Dear God, please help me deal with this horrible guilt. Why did I hold a grudge for so long? Why has it been so hard to forgive? Why couldn't I just believe Dad loved me and get on with my life? I guess because I needed his love and affirmation so much and he didn't show it to me. How was I to feel good enough for any man if I didn't for him? Please help me heal from those old wounds, and help me move on. This guilt is eating me alive, and I feel I don't deserve anything good because of how I have felt in the past. Help me heal and forgive myself.
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anniversary date 11-11-98
date of post 10-23-99