My Dad

By C.B.

Well, I don't know were to begin but here goes. I lost my father two years ago to lymphoma. I was seventeen. Through high school there were many deaths in my family but my father's hit me the most. He suffered for two months and it was the longest two months of my life. In some ways finding out he had cancer wasn't big shock because he hadn't been "feeling well" for a few years. Of course it was a big shock to find out I was going to lose my dad. That was the first thing I thought when I found out. He had one major surgery to get the tumors out and they couldn't remove all of them. At first the doctors thought he had a different kind of cancer. I really think the doctors didn't have a clue. After that first surgery is when I began losing my dad. The radiation and chemotherapy just wiped him out. It changed his whole personality. Luckily, he was in the hospital most of the time he was sick, because when he was home it was really bad. I am not going to go into what he was like because it would make him seem awful and I love my dad and I know he couldn't help what he became.

He died on his birthday June 10, 1993. One thing that makes his death hard is the fact that I am an only child. I was his "little girl". Anyway,I had just graduated from high school, he wasn't there. He won't be here for a lot of things. When he died at first I had a lot of bitterness and anger. I was angry at the doctors. I was angry at god. I even tried to convince myself the reason god took him away was because I didn't need him anymore. Which wasn't true. Now, the bitterness and anger has faded, although it still surfaces at times (mostly towards the doctors). I am not angry at god anymore. I have come to some understandings about that. What I am dealing with now is sadness. I think about my father often. I am very sad about the loss of my father. He will miss so much of my life. I miss him very much. Sometimes, I even get jealous at others who's fathers are still living.

Well, I don't know if this will help anyone else. I don't know if it even makes much sense. I just know it helps me to write and talk about my dad. Well thanks for taking the time to read this.

C.B.



If you wish to write C.B. you can find her at:cbarsd1@zeus.towson.edu
mail welcome


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Crisis, Grief, and Healing: Tom Golden LCSW