Everyone Else's Loss

Chris Rawl

Just a little over 2 months ago my life was as great as I could have ever imagined. My fianc? and I had been engaged for about 4 months. We had only started dating at the beginning of September. We fell for each other right away. She swept me so far off my feet, that I was just plain upside down. She was my best friend, and I was her's.

Unfortunately, I had an addiction to prescription downers that I had been, off and on,trying to shake. She was a recovering heroin addict, clean for the past year and half.

For the most part we kept each other on the straight and narrow. I would have my relapses with downers, but she stayed far from heroin. Turning instead to the occasional drink or downer.

Who in the world knew that a bad week at work and an impulsive descion would change everything as I knew it. After a fifty hour week for each of us, not making us more than 400 dollars a piece, a very disappointing effort in the restaurant business. We both felt very depressed and looked for that ever elusive escape from an unpleasant reality. We spent the afternoon of Feb 18 intaking probably 5 to 10 Xanax (an anti-depressant) a piece, we also included another 5 Somas(a muscle relaxer) each. We also drank heavily, trying desperately to escape the reality we thought was so horrible and unbearable.

As the night wore on, our self-control drifted away. I allowed her to return to the one thing she fought so hard to stay away from. We bought a packet of heroin that night. I shot up first. I dont remember the next four to five hours. When I came to my fianc? was in bed with me. We some how moved from the living room to the bedroom.

The scumbag that got us the heroin was getting ready to leave. He told me my fianc? was all right and just asleep. She was still breathing, and I was still to messed up to know she wasn't OK, but just barely hanging on.

I went back to sleep, ignorant of the seriousness of her situation. You see Xanax slows down your body, so do Somas, and heroin really does. We had made a fatal judgment. For when I awoke suddenly at 8:00 the next morning my fianc? was cold and not breathing. I immediately called 911, I began CPR, trying desperately to bring back the one thing in this world that brought me joy every single day. I was too late. She was gone and my life was forever changed.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a counselor, that I feel, is both qualified to deal with my grief and my addiction. Because now they are both very related. I can not grieve if I am too messed up on any drug, and I have to grieve now. Or I will spend the rest of my life coping with this loss. I very much want to heal this very deep wound and continue on with my life. I hope to be lucky enough to find another person on this Earth that can love me as much as she did. I want the 2.3 kids and the white picket fence.

I'm not really sure if this will make your cut for being published on your site. It is almost as much for me as it is for anybody else. However, if I can convey no other message through this, then let it be this. Do not be foolish with your life. I would trade the reality I was trying to escape that day for the one I have now any day of the week.

I miss my fianc? more than I can express. But if her death saves even one life, then it is worth it. Who knows, that life could very well be mine. I love you Aja, see soon.

Chris Rawl



You can send email to Chris Rawl at sota203@prodigy.net

mail welcome



Anniversary date - 02-19-01
Date of post - 04-19-01

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