This world can be a very cruel place. Life can be very hard, and it only seems to get harder. The love and joy of my life came in to this world on July 16, 1995. He was named Tyler Chase, and was the most beautiful baby boy you could imagine. He was born almost 3 weeks premature, but other than a slight case of Jaundice, he was perfectly healthy. From 6 weeks on, he slept at least 8 hours at night. My parents still to this day, tell my husband and I that we were blessed to have such a 'good' baby. He walked at 10 months, which I am told is fairly early for aboy. And once he started talking, at about 2 1/2, it was NON-STOP. I got pregnant again, when Tyler was almost 2 1/2 and he was so excited. He never missed an opportunity to tell everyone that he was having a baby sister. Though I did not know what I was going to have, I was convinced it was a girl and so that is what Tyler thought. On August 27, 1998, much to my surprise, I delivered another baby boy, Trendon Chance. It only took one look for me to know how blessed I was to have two little boys. They would grow up to be best friends. I couldn't wait to live my life with them; for them. Tyler was not your typical 3 year oldbrother. He LOVED Trendon from the minute he saw him, and was never jealous or resentful, as everyone had warned me that he would be. Tyler loved taking care of his brother. He never missed helping me bathe Trendon, and he readily helped me change diapers. He was the proudest and best big brother ever. By the time Trendon was 2, he and Tyler were the best of friends. I could not even fuss at Trendon, without Tyler getting upset. I remember that Trendon would take Tyler's toy, or candy, and I would try to get it back for Tyler, and Tyler would tell me that it was okay; that Trendon could have it. I truly had the perfect family. I feel that is probably why God allowed it to all come to a screeching halt, because nothing is allowed to be perfect.
On August 10, 2000, Tyler started Kindergarten, which was one of the happiest days of his life. He was the most outgoing little boy that ever walked the earth. He never met a stranger. The first day of school, the teacher across the hallway from his room told his Kindergarten teacher that she was going to have her hands full with that one (talking about Tyler). He walked in the room talking and never stopped.
On September 16, 2000, Tyler played in his first Soccer game. He scored two goals and was so proud of himself. At only 5, he knew that soccer was his dream, and his gift.
Unfortunately, God had different plans. On September 19, 2000, Tyler started running a temperature at school and I had to pick him up early. On September 20, 2000, Tyler started vomiting, and the fever remained. I took him to the doctor that day, and was told that he had an internal infection, and was given a prescription for an antibiotic and for suppositories to control the vomiting. The next day, September 21, 2000, Tyler wasn't any better. He wasn't urinating, was still vomiting and running a fever, and complaining of his chest and back hurting. Iwas afraid he was dehydrated so I took him back to the doctor. Once again, the doctor said that it was just an infection. The doctor did not do any tests and only gave us another prescription for a yeast infection that Tyler had gotten overnight in his mouth and throat. Early the next morning, around 1:00am, Tyler woke upscreaming that his head was hurting and he was sweating, yet cold to touch. My husband and I decided to take him to the emergency room because he wasn't eating, drinking, or urinating, and he was still vomiting. We got to the emergency around 2:00, and were seen fairly quickly. His temperature had dropped to 96 degrees, and we were told that his fever was breaking. All the normal tests were done (chest x-ray, blood work, abdomen x-ray). The blood tests revealed that hewas indeed dehydrated, and they questioned us about diabetes, because Tyler's sugars were way up. At around 5:30 am, they started an IV (after an entire hour of trying and 11 sticks). The nurse told us that the doctor thought it might be Tyler's appendix so they wanted to have an ultrasound done as soon as the ultrasound tech. got in, which wouldn't be until 8:30am. So at 5:45, the nurse turned the light off in the exam room, and told us to try and get Tyler to sleep until then. Tyler's breathing was really funny, and his eyes would never completely close. I kept telling him to calm down and take deep breathes. I thought he was just upset from being stuck eleven times with a needle. By 6:45, I was really getting frustrated because Tyler kept breathing really hard and it was very labored. I raised my voice and asked him what was wrong. That is when the nurse came in (never turned on the light) and looked at him, and asked how long he had been breathing like that. My husband and I told her that it had been ever since they started the IV. That nurse left, and within minutes, a new nurse appeared, turned the lights on, and that is when all hell broke loose. Tyler's lips were BLUE. His blood pressure was 80/34. I don't know what his pulse was because I ran out when the nurse started screaming to get oxygen on him. At 7:16am, Tyler's heart stopped. They worked on him for 1 hour and 30 before his heart started again, at 8:46am. The next 4 1/2 hours are very hard to explain. One minute we are being told to pray, and the next we are being told that it's a miracle, but he's going to be okay. At 1:10pm, he was life flighted to another hospital, and 15 minutes in to the flight he coded and his heart never started again. They did CPR for the remaining 15 minutes of the flight, and for 48 minutes at the new hospital. He was pronounced dead at 2:28pm. We had to drive to the hospital which was 2 hours away, and we got there at 2:35. The doctor just walked right up to us and told us "We lost him". They asked us to go to a conference room and wait. The doctor came in with some other people, and pulled up a chair right in front of me, and had the audacity to ask me to tell her what happened. Her exact words were "So tell me what happened". I wanted to tell her where she could go. I was so pissed off. My little boy was healthy one day, and dead the next, and there were no answers.
It took over 2 months for the medical examiner to finally determine what killed my Tyler. Something called Myocarditis. It is very rare, and usually hits much older people. And the sad part of it is that 90% of people do NOT die. The 10% that do die either die instantly, or while waiting for a heart transplant. Tyler had every opportunity to be saved. He was taken to the doctor twice, and in the emergency room for 5 hours before he coded. The lights were turned off on him for an hour, because they didn't know what was wrong, and they felt it was OK to just wait. And for that, my precious son lost his life, and mine is forever changed.
I am very angry at the medical profession. I am angry at God. I believe that Tyler is in a much better place, and that God will help me to understand some day. But as for now, I am hurting to hold the little boy that I loved so much. His brother is hurting to have someone to play with. His daddy is hurting so much that it is indescribable. It has only been 3 months, so I don't know if I will make it through this or not. Tyler was my everything. My first born child, and my best friend. He was much older than his 5 years, as anyone that knew him could tell you.
My husband spoke at Tyler's funeral. He spoke of Tyler's accomplishments in his short 5 years. And he told everyone how proud he was of his little boy. My husband is a great man, and loved his little boy so very much. I hope that Tyler heard his daddy that day. He would be so proud of him.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish things were different. Not a moment that passes that I don't think about Tyler and what he would be doing right then. I am so full of sorrow and grief for having only had Tyler for 5 years, yet I am so very proud to have had those 5 years. I wouldn't give them up for anything.
And the one thing that comforts me is knowing that if I was given the opportunity to ask my Tyler to come home, he would, without hesitation, tell me 'No'. For he is with our Lord and Savior and is happier than ever now. It doesn't take away from the fact that I hurt and miss him so very much. It doesn't help me accept that this was God's plan. It doesn't help me sleep at night. But it does help me to know that Tyler is where he wants to be. And I know that when God calls me home, I will be exactly where I want to be; with my baby boy. I will love Tyler always, and willforever remember the gift that I was given on July 16, 1995. I would not have written it this way. I hate that it has to be this way. So for the rest of my life on earth, I will wait patiently for my turn.
I would like to share Tyler with everyone. His picture can be found in album 3 at http://solacecircle.homestead.com/index.html
I do wish all grieving parents, siblings, friends, and family peace to live the rest of their life in a way that God would want so that they can be reunited with their loved one. This is the worst thing that can ever possibly happen, and why God allows such tragedy is beyond me. But I will be one of the first in line to ask Him when the time comes.
So for now, Tyler, I will look up to the Heavens above and pray that you are looking down on me and watching over us. I can't imagine the rest of my life without you. So I will try to imagine the life that I had while you were here. Because life will never be good again.
I love you my precious one!!
Tyler's eternally sad mommy,