Traveling on Rage


Right up until the day she died I had always considered my mother to be a very strong woman. She had endured marriage to an alcoholic for nearly 35 years; lived through two mastectomies three years apart, and then a nervous breakdown - yet *still* showed a courage that can't really be described in mere words.

Then, one night, Mom had a bad nosebleed. That's all it was, just a nosebleed. She didn'thave high blood pressure, didn't take medication to control any illnesses, etc. So,when she called, saying she had a nosebleed that didn't seem to want to stop and asked if I'd please take her to the hospital, I picked her up and off we went, with every assumption that the doctors there would "put things to right".

That's not what happened. Her *regular* doctor, who was the one on call at the EmergencyRoom that night, and *knew* her history of sinus problems, packed off the nosebleed - and it stopped. But he inserted the packing material too high up in her nostrils, where the packing hit her bursa (sinuses), which ruptured. She had a sinus infection, and that infection entered her bloodstream, because of the doctor's error. And to me, this was not mere carelessness, it was out and out murder.

The next night Mom developed "acute septicemia" (blood poisoning) and went into a coma.The specialists said she was now 'brain dead' and it was only a machine keeping her heart pumping. Knowing her feelings where machines were concerned, I signed papers putting an end to "heroic efforts" on her behalf. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I held her hand, the machines stopped, and Mom was gone in about fifteen minutes. There was no movement, no sound, not even a sigh. She just left me here, all alone.

I lost my beautiful Mother because a doctor wasn't careful enough, or concerned enough, to read her history. The only relative I have and had in the country, other than my kids,is gone. No sisters, nor brother, to share the pain with. Friends try, but they can't understand this anger I simply can't reconcile myself with.

It hurts to know my lovely Mom died to NO GOOD REASON. So now, on Mother's Day, I visit a grave and put her favorite flowers there. Then I sit on the grass for a little while and talk to her, telling her all of the little things going on in my life. Mom never liked being out of 'the loop'.

I miss her so much, the pain goes through me like a knife. Sometimes, when I hear a funny joke, or something Mom would have laughed at, I still reach for the phone. But there's no one to call - now.

And my anger at those moments is all-consuming. My belief in a "merciful, understanding God" ended with Mom's death. How can He exist at all and allow people to suffer so much grief and no NOTHING to help? But if He should exist, then He's not a merciful God, and deserves nothing from me but bitterness, which is all I'm left with.

I've learned how far, and how long, a person can travel on sheer rage.



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Date of post - 5-10-00

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